


of atonement, forgiveness and punishment.

by afflatus



Series: when we were sadder [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Dark, Explicit Language, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Manipulation, Mystery, Prison, Psychological, Purely self-indulgence, Recreational Drug Use, messed up characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2019-12-20
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:00:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 36,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21873337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/afflatus/pseuds/afflatus
Summary: Three years and seven months of not receiving visitors in prison, Mark Lee is surprised when his old friend, Lee Donghyuck, pays him a visit to find out the truth behind the murder of Wong Yukhei, the former's lover, and what it has to do with their old mutual friend, Na Jaemin.or alternatively;Mark closes his eyes and counts his breath as he breathes in and out. His therapist at the prison taught him that if he ever feels worked up and needs to calm down, breathing helps. At the tenth count, he opens his eyes and looks directly into his old friend’s eyes. “What do you want, Donghyuck?” he repeats his question from earlier.“I want to fucking understand,” his old friend says with frustration evident in his voice. “I went to a police academy, I even studied criminology, I became a fucking cop, I did everything and yet, I still don’t understand why you did that to him.”“Why I killed Yukhei,” Mark corrects softly. Then, he takes in a deep breath before saying, “You can’t even face the fact that I murdered him and yet you have the audacity to come in here and demand answers from me.”
Relationships: Mark Lee/Na Jaemin, Mark Lee/Wong Yukhei | Lucas
Series: when we were sadder [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1575802
Comments: 76
Kudos: 234





	of atonement, forgiveness and punishment.

**Author's Note:**

> hey everyone! I've been writing this story since September ever since keshi released his new song; right here, which is my inspiration for this story. finally, last night, when I was supposed to be studying, I've completed writing this piece of purely self-indulgence since i'm very much into angst and I can't write fluff for some reason. keshi's newly released song, blue, has helped me to write until the end. thank goodness for keshi's songs. a masterpiece, really.
> 
> disclaimer: I'm not an expert in therapy sessions, prison life, religious sermons and guns. everything that's written here is based on my personal experience in therapy, what I've seen in tv shows about prison and the small research I did about guns.
> 
> warnings: this will contain deaths, emotional manipulation, implied sexual content, explicit language, drug use, underaged drinking, cheating and angst.

Three years and seven months.

That was the last time he has ever received a visitor. He spent three years and seven months in prison, rotting his life away like it means nothing at all. Honestly, at this point of time, he thinks that his life _is_ meaningless. What is there to life when he wakes up every morning to the same grey walls that trap him from the outside world?

The last visitor he had was his mother. It was on the same day he was sentenced to prison for murder. She had cried and asked him repeatedly why he had done what he did that got him into his current situation. Unable to take the feelings that overwhelmed him at that moment, he asked the guards to take him back to his cell. Anything was better than to see the disappointment on the face of the woman who gave birth to him, even if it was the damned grey walls. His mother has not come to visit him ever since. To be frank, he feels slightly relieved. He does not think he could make it through another visit that would only make him feel like the worst person on earth. He knows that he is a disappointment but he would rather not see it on his mother’s face. After all, _seeing_ is not the same as knowing.

However, that was then and this is now. His mind races through all the options inside his head as to who his visitor could possibly be while he follows the guards who are taking him to the visitor centre. His parents are out of the equation because he doubts that they have ever forgiven him for being a disappointment. His older brother, Taeyong, has stopped keeping in touch with the family ever since the former went away to college on a scholarship, never to be seen again during family outings or dinners. Mark is pretty sure his brother is not even aware of what happened, unless he actually watches the news. His old friends have kicked him out of their circle after he admitted to his crime, so, it could not be them too.

 _It could be_ him, a voice inside his head says. He tries to shake the thought off. _Impossible_ , he tells himself firmly, wanting to put out the flame of hope that he has ignited. Unfortunately, the thing about a simple thought is that the more you try to stop thinking about it, the more it roots itself deep inside your mind, turning you into an obsessive creature. The hope remains.

The guards make a left turn. Mark stays in his spot, feeling puzzled.

“Come on, your visitor is waiting,” one of the guards says, beckoning him to follow them.

“Visitor centre is that way,” the prisoner replies softly, cocking his head to the right. He may not have received any visitors for the past three years and seven months but he sure as hell still knows his way there.

The other guard lets out a guffaw. Normally, they would be impatient when they deal with the prisoners because they deem them as lowlife scumbags who deserve nothing. But all the guards here are fond of Mark, hence, the reason why they are treating him like a human instead of a piece of trash.

“This visitor is special, kid,” the guard says. “A cop, he says. Pulled some strings to pay you a private visit.”

Not wanting to waste their time any longer, Mark follows them with his hands cuffed in front of him as they lead him towards a corridor with a couple of rooms. He knows where he is. These rooms are where the prisoners could consult with their lawyers in private.

The first guard pushes open the door of the second room and gestures for him to enter it. Mark hesitates. However, seeing that he has no other choice, he takes a step into the room only to meet eyes with someone unexpected. He stands there speechless as the second guard unlocks the handcuff, freeing his wrists.

“Hello there, Mark,” the man in front of him greets with a faint smile on his lips.

Mark could distantly hear the door click shut behind him as the guards leave, giving the room all to themselves. Of all the people in this whole wide world, Mark could not even guess that this is the person who would visit him for the first time in three years and seven months.

The man takes a seat on a black chair and points towards the identical chair opposite of him. In between the chairs lies a brown coffee table with two cups and a kettle on it. “Sit down,” he invites with a familiar smile on his lips.

The prisoner just stares dumbly for a moment before regaining his composure. He makes his way to the other chair and takes a seat, still not saying anything. He chooses this moment to observe the man right in front of him.

The man is wearing a pair of casual black trousers with a white long-sleeved shirt. He does not bother to tuck in his shirt and some creases could be seen on the bottom of it. His hair is black, different from the dyed dark brown that Mark remembers during the last time he saw him at his court hearing.

“It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” the man says casually as he pours tea from the kettle into both of the cups on the coffee table. He pushes one of the cups towards Mark before taking a sip of the tea from the other cup. Then, he places it back on the table. “How have you been?” he asks with a pleasant smile etched on his lips

Mark blinks at the question blankly, still refusing to say a word. A few seconds tick by as silence hovers in the air between them. Realising that the prisoner is not going to open his mouth, the man lets out a deep sigh. “You disappoint me, Mark,” he says almost wistfully.

Deciding to have mercy on him, Mark finally decides to speak up, “What are you doing here, Donghyuck?”

The man, Lee Donghyuck, chuckles quietly at the question. “Can’t I visit an old friend of mine and ask him if he’s doing well?” he returns.

Mark frowns, not liking the response he has gotten. The man in front of him seems to be calm and composed but knowing him, Donghyuck is not someone without a purpose. Every single thing that he does has a reason, no matter how small it is. This visit does not come out of nowhere or out of curiosity on how Mark’s life has been all this time. There is something more to this.

“What do you want?” Mark inquires, keeping his tone detached.

At that, Donghyuck drops his pleasant façade. His expression changes and a determined look takes over his features. Despite not meeting him for almost four years, Mark is still able to read every emotion on his face.

“I can’t stop thinking about it,” his visitor confesses. He leans forward to rest his arms on the table. “Every night, I lie down in my bed and wonder if I should have seen it all coming. I wonder if there was anything that I could do differently that could, maybe, prevent _this_ from happening.”

“It is what it is,” Mark shrugs nonchalantly in response.

Donghyuck’s eyes flash with anger as soon as he hears the words. “Fuck you,” he snaps. “You don’t just murder your boyfriend who was also _our_ friend and tell me ‘it is what it is’, you bastard.”

Mark closes his eyes and counts his breath as he breathes in and out. His therapist at the prison taught him that if he ever feels worked up and needs to calm down, breathing helps. At the tenth count, he opens his eyes and looks directly into his old friend’s eyes. “What do you want, Donghyuck?” he repeats his question from earlier.

“I want to fucking _understand_ ,” his old friend says with frustration evident in his voice. “I went to a police academy, I even studied criminology, I became a fucking cop, I did everything and yet, I still don’t understand why you did that to him.”

“Why I killed Yukhei,” Mark corrects softly. Then, he takes in a deep breath before saying, “You can’t even face the fact that I murdered him and yet you have the audacity to come in here and demand answers from me.”

Donghyuck reels back as if the words that Mark has uttered have caused him physical pain. They did not. However, Mark can still see the hurt in his eyes because Donghyuck has always been an open book to him. They have known each other ever since they were in their diapers. Being a year younger than him, Donghyuck used to look up to Mark. Those days are gone now. All Mark is to him as of this moment is a disappointment.

“You want me to face facts?” Donghyuck asks rhetorically in a soft tone. The anger has left him. “I know that you were a liar. You were a cheater too. You lied to Yukhei and you cheated on him. As if you hadn’t caused him enough pain, you had to _murder_ him too. I don’t get why you would hurt him that way. He didn’t deserve that.”

This time around, it is Mark’s turn to heave a sigh. “You’re right,” he replies just as soft. “He deserved better.”

“So, make me understand,” the younger of the two requests, desperation seeping into his voice. Tears begin to pool in his eyes. “The Mark that I knew when I was young could not even hurt a single fly. The Mark that I knew when I was in high school could not even watch a violent movie without puking. The Mark that I knew when he was in university was so fucking in love with Wong Yukhei that he would do anything for him. So, _help_ me understand why you killed him when you were all smitten with him.”

Mark leans back against the black chair and smiles sadly. “You didn’t care three years and seven months ago,” he points out.

“I did,” Donghyuck interjects. “I just didn’t have the nerve to ask you straight to your face back then.”

“Why now?”

“Because I saw _him_ the other day,” the younger male answers without missing a beat.

Interest flickers inside of Mark but he tries to fight it off, neutralising his expression and making sure his body remains relaxed.

“It’s too late, Hyuck,” he whispers quietly. “You’re four years too late.”

Everyone says that life in prison is terrible. To some people, maybe it is. Being stuck in a place filled with murderers, thieves, rapists and all sort of other criminals is definitely a miserable way to live. For Mark Lee, however, it is bearable. It is not that he enjoys living in prison. He absolutely detests it. He misses the way the droplets of water would land on his skin whenever it rains. He longs for his old bed and the warm blanket he used to drape over himself during winter. He yearns to go back to the old days before he messed up and landed himself in prison. He misses it all.

Like he told Donghyuck a few days ago, it is what it is. Whatever he is feeling right now, whatever thoughts that come inside his head, whatever wishes he has, nothing can change the fact that he did what he did. Regret and guilt consume him, of course, but he knows that those feelings will not change the past. It is what it is and nothing at all can make a difference.

Nothing can bring Yukhei back to life.

Living in prison means that every day is filled with something productive. There is a routine that everyone has to strictly follow, according to their own respective schedules. For Mark, Mondays mean it is his turn in the kitchen. Tuesdays are for hacking woods for the elderly people who live in the village nearby. Classes are held on Wednesdays and somewhere between lunch and the next class is when his weekly therapy takes place. Sports day is on Thursdays and they play different sports each week. Fridays are for group therapy whereas for Saturdays, it is his turn to clean the toilets. Sundays are for praying. A priest would come and he would have to spend the whole day listening to whatever the priest is preaching about or reading the Bible. So, yes, life is not as bad as expected.

Despite all the productivity, Mark still feels bored. He has way too much time to himself and it has caused him to reflect on his life so many times. Yet, whenever he thinks about the incident that caused his current lifestyle, he knows that he will not change anything from back then. There is nothing that he would do differently.

“You should probably get ready,” his cellmate says from the top of their shared bunk bed, snapping him back to reality.

Mark sits up on his bed and pokes his head out to look at his cellmate whose head can be seen from the top as he is peering down at the former. “What?” Mark asks.

“It’s your therapy day today,” his cellmate explains with a smirk on his face.

Mark lets out a loud snort at that and shakes his head. “I’m not the one with a crush on our therapist, Johnny,” he says lightly in a teasing tone.

Johnny grins. “Well, you should put in a good word about me to him but don’t make it too obvious,” he replies cheekily.

Mark bursts into laughter as he rolls his eyes. “Sure,” he agrees without meaning it. The two of them know that it is impossible, anyway. A doctor with a convict? That only happens in TV shows.

Truth be told, Mark owes it to Johnny for making his life in prison much better. The two of them were sent to prison around the same timing, thus, they ended up as cellmates. People would think that adults would be mature in handling disputes and fights but that is absolutely wrong. Here, people would rather use their fists to settle problems instead of diplomatic conversations. Bullying also happens frequently, especially to those who are the worst of the worst like paedophiles and serial rapists. They get casted out because even criminals have class, apparently.

Everyone knows the reason why Mark is behind bars. News spreads fast here and, soon enough, all of the other prisoners know that he killed his own boyfriend. It is not the worst crime to commit but the bullies love picking on the weak, throwing shades at him for doing that to his own lover. Although Mark is average, he is quite tiny compared to men who are freakishly tall. The only reason he is saved from being a victim is because Johnny took him under his wing.

Johnny is taller than most men here and he has the muscles of a bodybuilder. Rumours also have it that he is a respected member of the most notorious mafia in South Korea so no one dares to mess with him for fear that his influence outside of the walls might get them killed _inside_ the walls. Mark forever owes it to his cellmate for saving his ass or else he would be dead meat.

Besides, all of the guards love him due to his tendency to mind his own business. He does not get involved in fights or riots. He always makes sure to greet all the guards and learn their names, making comfortable conversations with them, until they have grown fond of him. Even Johnny is impressed by his ability to charm the guards easily. Charming people is one of the skills that he is proud of, honestly.

It is not long before the guards come for him after lunchtime to lead him towards the therapy room. Mark follows and immediately takes a seat on the opposite side of his therapist. The doctor smiles at him pleasantly, his signature dimpled smile, as the guards take their leave to give them privacy.

“How’s your day so far, Mark?” Dr Jung Jaehyun asks, the sweet smile is still on his face.

Mark returns the smile with a smile of his own. “It’s alright,” he answers. “Studied a little bit here and there. Barely paid attention in class, though, but don’t tell the lecturers that.” He adds a teasing tone to end his statement, trying to keep the conversation light.

Jaehyun is a great doctor, honestly. He has this vibe that makes people feel like they could trust him with anything. Mark knows that whatever he tells his doctor would be kept confidential. He started working here around the same time Mark was sentenced so they have known each other for almost four years now.

In spite of that, Mark barely talks to him about the important stuff. He usually tells him about his day or whatever interesting that happened in the past week, or about how he misses his family and the old times, or about his childhood. Everything he told his therapist is harmless. He has never once mentioned Yukhei, even though he knows that Jaehyun would love to hear about him. He has never mentioned _him_ too, but then again, he has always been tight-lipped when it comes to _him_.

“What got you distracted in class, Mark?” Jaehyun asks conversationally.

“I don’t know,” the prisoner responds. “I was just bored, I guess.” _Had a lot on my mind_ , he wants to add but he does not want to be asked to pour his thoughts out.

The therapist nods his head in understanding. Then, he leans forward cautiously. “I heard from the guards that you had a visitor the other day,” Jaehyun brings the subject up tentatively, testing the waters to see if it is fine with Mark to talk about it. “It’s been almost four years since you last had one, am I right?”

“Three years and seven months,” Mark corrects.

“Right,” Jaehyun nods. “Do you want to tell me about how the visit went?”

That is the thing about Jung Jaehyun. He always respects his patients’ personal space and never once pressures them into opening up. Instead, he has his own way of coaxing his patients to tell him what is bothering them. He builds up the trust between them before slowly trying to get them to talk.

“It was an old friend of mine,” Mark finds himself saying, unable to help it. He does not really have anyone to talk to about this, anyway. He might have been friends with the guards and he gets along well with his cellmate. That does not mean that they have deep conversations about his life, though. Okay, maybe with Johnny, occasionally, but most of the time, they fool around instead of being all serious.

Jaehyun hums. “What’s his name?”

“Donghyuck,” Mark replies automatically, even though he knows that Jaehyun probably already knows the answer. “Lee Donghyuck.”

Silence ensues. In his logical mind, Mark knows that it is one of those psychological silences where people cannot help it but to talk in order to fill the silence instead of letting the atmosphere become awkward. Despite knowing that, Mark is unable to stop himself from talking. As long as it is not about Yukhei, it is fine.

“He’s a childhood friend of mine,” the prisoner explains softly. “Like, he’s been there with me for the whole of my life. We watched each other grow up, went to the same high school and all. We didn’t go to the same college, though, but we still kept in touch. He went to a police academy while I went to a local college. He knew my friends and I knew his. We’d even hang out together, all of us.”

Talking about this causes a lump to appear in his throat. Unexpectedly, he feels his own heart ache. He blinks in surprise. It has been so long since he last felt this sad. For the past few years, he has learnt to numb his own feelings so that he would be indifferent about everything. He has nothing to live for, anyway. It is not that he is depressed. He just feels like there is no purpose in living when the person that he loves is dead while he is stuck behind bars. Even his own family has abandoned him.

He misses his friends. He misses them all. Donghyuck, Renjun, Jeno, Guanheng and Yukhei. God, he misses Yukhei the most. He curls his hands into fists and feels his own fingernails dig into his palms, reminding himself to breathe. _Focus on Donghyuck_ , he tells himself sternly, keeping his emotions at bay.

“It’s been so long since I last saw him,” he concludes, finally, not wanting to drag this conversation any longer than necessary.

“What did you feel when you met him again?” Jaehyun asks gently.

Mark pauses, trying to analyse his own feelings. “Perplexed,” he answers shortly.

His doctor tilts his head to the side slightly, gesturing for him to elaborate further on it. Mark does not really know what to say, honestly. He has no words to describe his feelings at that point of time.

“I just. I don’t know,” he says, wringing his hands helplessly. “It was very strange to see him again after so many years of not locking eyes with him. And when I saw him, I still could tell what he was feeling at that point of time. Everything was familiar yet unfamiliar at the same time.”

“Probably because he’s an old friend that you’ve known for years yet you don’t know him anymore after all these years apart because he is still the same yet he has changed?” Jaehyun prompts.

“Yeah,” Mark affirms. “Something like that, I guess. At the same time, it felt good. I didn’t know I missed him this much until now.”

Jaehyun looks at Mark directly into his eyes and lets a small smile touch his lips. Mark holds the gaze curiously, wondering what his therapist is feeling as of this moment. “That’s because, over the years, you’ve repressed your feelings, Mark. I’m your therapist, I’ve noticed.”

The prisoner blinks in surprise at that. It should not be something that is surprising, really, considering the fact that this man in front of him is a therapist, after all, but Mark cannot help but feel exposed. All this time, he thought that he has been keeping his issues under wraps, only allowing Jaehyun to see the cracks that he wants him to see. Enough to still get him sent to therapy but not enough to put him under constant supervision. He must have been more obvious than he thought.

“Do you want to tell me what the two of you talked about?” his therapist asks, after a moment of silence.

“Not much,” Mark responds immediately. Then, he adds as an afterthought, “He asked me to make him understand why I did what I did.”

“To Yukhei,” Jaehyun fills in the blank.

“Yes.”

“Did you answer him?” his therapist questions.

“No,” Mark replies softly. Then, he smiles even though it does not quite reach his eyes. He does not really remember when was the last time he had smiled sincerely, anyway. Probably more than three years and seven months ago. Probably before Yukhei died. “It doesn’t matter, though. He won’t visit me again.”

“What makes you so sure about that?”

“He won’t,” he responds with conviction.

The first time Mark met Wong Yukhei he knew immediately that they would get along very well. It was during their second year in college and they shared a class for the first time. Both of them picked English Language for their elective class. Mark chose English because it would be easy credit while Yukhei claimed that he wanted to improve his English.

Yukhei was late to class when they first met in the English Language lecture hall. Thirty minutes had passed since the class started and it was then a tall figure entered the lecture hall, out of breath. “Prof, I’m _so_ sorry. I overslept this morning because I just arrived from Hong Kong at two in the morning earlier,” he apologised as sincerely as he could in an accented voice.

Mark had smiled in amusement as soon as he heard the words. It was not even what he said that caused him to be amused. It was _how_ the stranger said it that got him interested. His hand gestures were all over the place and he sounded so distressed and guilty that it was impossible not to feel sorry for him. It seemed like the professor felt the same way because he simply shooed him away to sit down.

Perhaps, it was fate that made the latecomer sit down right next to Mark for that class. Now that he managed to take a closer look at the stranger, he realised that he was very good-looking. If not for his sincere apology earlier, Mark would have thought that he was a total fuckboy, solely based on his looks.

“I would’ve skipped class, if I were you,” he whispered to the stranger as the professor resumed his lesson. It was boring for him, honestly, especially since he was already fluent in the language.

The stranger turned to look at Mark with a scandalised expression on his face, as if he could not believe anyone would say something like that. “ _Dude_ ,” he whisper-shouted. “I want a perfect attendance to score full marks for ten percent of my grades.”

Mark blinked and then he hid his chuckle behind his hand, not wanting to distract his other classmates. “So, you’re a nerd,” he teased as he removed his hand from his mouth, after his laughter had subsided.

“Um, I guess?”

“Wouldn’t have thought so with your pretty face,” Mark commented carelessly, looking away from the stranger to act like he was about to concentrate on the lesson. In his peripheral vision, he saw how the pretty boy gaped at him, flustered. He grinned, loving the effect he had on the stranger. Then, he pretended to be engrossed in the lesson even though his mind was racing with thoughts about the person sitting next to him.

“Wong Yukhei,” the stranger introduced himself as soon as the class was over. He held his hand out for a handshake.

Mark looked at the boy in front of him and smiled. He took the hand and shook it. “Mark Lee,” he responded.

Knowing what was about to come next, Mark immediately let go of Yukhei’s hand and said, “I’ve got to go. My next class is in the next building and it starts in, like,” he checked his watch for good measure, “five minutes. See you around.”

Then, he grabbed his things and exited the lecture hall quickly before Yukhei could ask for his number. He knew boys like Yukhei. They always loved a challenge and Mark was definitely not an easy person to get.

The next time Mark met Yukhei again, it was exactly a week later. Their shared English class was only once a week and they shared no other classes, unfortunately. They obviously did not have the same major, then. To say Mark was disappointed was an understatement. He was devastated because he looked forward to meeting him again.

Yukhei was interesting, he had to admit. The tall male had good looks, which, no doubt, he was aware of. He also seemed different from people who knew that they were handsome. From the brief interaction that they had Mark could tell that Yukhei was definitely a sweetheart. It was very much obvious from the way he sounded genuine with his apology. Most people who came late to class would give a half-hearted apology or dashed inside without so much of an explanation.

This week, luckily, Yukhei was not late to class. In fact, he was more than half an hour early because he was present in the class when Mark arrived half an hour early before the lesson was scheduled to begin. If there was one word to describe Yukhei, Mark would choose puppy. Yukhei’s eyes lit up as soon as he saw Mark enter the classroom and Mark was certain that if the former were a puppy, his ears would have perked up and his tail would have wagged excitedly.

He hid a smile because he found it adorable. He waved at him from afar before deliberately choosing a seat far away from Yukhei. Before Yukhei could come over and start a conversation, Mark took out his laptop from his bag and switched it on, avoiding eye contact. He grabbed his headphones and wore it after connecting it to his laptop, indicating that he was busy. He could imagine the disappointment that Yukhei felt and it made him feel amused.

To make it up to him, however, Mark scribbled his phone number on a piece of paper and slipped it into the tall male’s pocket as he passed by him on his way out of the lecture hall as soon as the lesson was over.

“Text me,” he said.

He could practically feel the beam that Yukhei directed at him as he left.

Mark was wrong when he told Jaehyun that Donghyuck would not visit again.

The prisoner immediately knows who it is when the guards lead him to the consultation room almost two weeks after the first time he went there. Truth be told, he really thought that Donghyuck would not come here again. After all, even his own mother decided not to step foot in here after he refused to explain himself.

How could she expect him to justify his actions, though? He murdered Yukhei and that is a fact that could not be changed. It is better if he lets everyone accept it instead of feeding their fantasies of the good image that they had of him.

“You’re here again,” he points out the obvious as soon as the guards have left the room.

This time around, Donghyuck is already seated in the black chair. Without having to be instructed, Mark makes his way to the other chair and sits down on it, leaning against it, while looking at his old friend curiously.

“I’m not giving up on you,” the cop says with determination.

At that, Mark cannot help but to burst into laughter. There is nothing hilarious about it, honestly. It is just that he finds it extremely ironic. “I told you, you’re four years too late. You’ve long given up on me,” he retorts, wishing that his old friend would stop being so stubborn. Knowing Donghyuck, the younger male would not stop until he has gotten what he wants.

“Let me rephrase it, then,” Donghyuck replies, unfazed. “I won’t give up on you again.”

“Why now?” Mark repeats his question from their previous meeting.

Donghyuck keeps quiet for a moment, as if he is trying to decide how much information he wants to give out to the prisoner. “I told you, I met _him_ the other day.”

“So what?”

The younger male crosses his arms to soothe himself as his eyes search into Mark’s eyes for any kind of emotion. Mark tries to keep his face as blank as possible, not wanting his old friend to know how much this is affecting him, how his heart is pounding loudly against his ribs. It has been ages since he last heard news of _him_.

“ _He_ told me that _he_ could see the love you had for Yukhei in your eyes. And you know how _he’s_ like. _He’s_ never changed, you know. Still the devil that _he_ is, fucking with people and their emotions. _He_ looked at me and smirked, that jackass,” Donghyuck tells him.

Mark can feel his expression change slightly. He grimaces because he knows exactly what Donghyuck is talking about. “What did _he_ say to you?” he asks quietly. “What did _he_ say to you that made you pay me a visit all of the sudden after all these years?”

His old friend simply smiles mysteriously and shrugs. “I’m not going to tell you until you explain yourself to me, Mark,” he replies with a shit-eating grin on his face.

“Fuck you,” Mark spits out, his anger flaring for the first time in forever.

The sudden burst of swearing makes Donghyuck even more gleeful as he uncrosses his arms and leans forward. “I fucking knew it,” he whoops victoriously. “Talking about _him_ would crack your cold demeanour.”

“Fuck you,” the prisoner repeats with less venom this time. “You know what? I don’t care. Don’t tell me what _he_ said. I don’t want to know.”

“Liar,” his old friend taunts, smirking triumphantly.

The thing that Mark forgot is, just like how he could still read Donghyuck like an open book, the younger male has the ability to do the same thing to him. Knowing each other ever since they were babies has that effect. They cannot hide what they feel from each other. It has always been that way. Three years and seven months have not changed that.

Donghyuck knows that it would kill Mark if he does not get any information about _him_. Yet here the younger male is, swinging the information right in front of his face and not letting him know. It is cruel, really. Almost like you are dangling food in front of a poor starving man’s face only to devour it right in front of him. And that is what Mark has been reduced to: a starved man. Fucking cruel, really.

“I just want to know what changed,” Donghyuck says softly. “What made your love change and turn you into this person before me?”

“You can say it, you know,” Mark responds.

“Say what?”

“You want to know why I became a liar, a cheater and, last but not least, a murderer.”

Donghyuck keeps quiet for a while, trying to come up with something to say in response. Alas, he settles with, “I guess I just don’t want to believe that you’re capable of all those.”

Mark closes his eyes and lets out a soft sigh. “I’ll only talk if you’ve accepted that those are what I am now. I’m not the same person that you grew up with anymore.”

“Mark…”

The mentioned male opens his eyes slowly and looks directly into his old friend’s eyes. “Don’t visit me again unless you’ve wrapped your head around the fact that I lied to Yukhei, I cheated on him and then I killed him,” the older male says firmly.

This time, Mark is absolutely sure that Donghyuck will not come back.

“I don’t think you give Donghyuck enough credit, Mark,” Yukhei said as they were lying down on the grass field of their college. It was late at night, almost midnight, and no one was here but they decided to sneak in so that they were able to stargaze.

It was a silly idea, if Mark had to be completely honest. Normally, he would not even do anything like this because he was not one to appreciate the night sky but Yukhei seemed really excited about seeing a shooting star that was said to appear at this time. So, Mark had decided to humour him and come along with the taller male.

Now, he was beginning to regret it because Yukhei would not shut up about Donghyuck. He just wanted to enjoy the serene moment with the person he had a crush on but the mention of Donghyuck was ruining the romantic atmosphere.

“Alright, just because you immediately hit it off with my childhood friend during your first meeting with him does not mean you have to talk about him all the time,” Mark responded, rolling his eyes.

He felt a nudge on the side of his arm. Mark turned his head to look at Yukhei quizzically only to find that Yukhei was already looking at him with a fond smile on his lips.

“Is that jealousy I hear?” Yukhei asked teasingly.

Mark snorted. “No,” he denied it.

Yukhei poked his waist, causing him to let out a yelp. Immediately, Mark reached out to smack Yukhei on his arm in retaliation. “What the fuck was that for?” he whined.

The taller male burst into peals of laughter at the reaction he received which caused Mark to roll his eyes once again. For a guy that was six feet tall with a handsome face, Yukhei was definitely child-like, which, if Mark had to be really frank about it, ignited a form of fondness inside of him.

It had been six months since they first met. Just like Mark predicted, the two of them got along very well, especially since Yukhei had a loud personality. It was easy to talk to him about everything. They would goof around a lot and play pranks on each other. It was the way their friendship worked, if one could call it a friendship.

Honestly, Mark did not know if he could consider what they had as friendship. It felt like so much more with how Yukhei tended to take care of him and vice versa. It was not like Mark had never noticed the tender looks the taller male had been directing at him, anyway. However, they had never kissed or touched each other inappropriately aside from their lingering touches and how sometimes one of them would rest their hand on the other’s thigh.

“Donghyuck told me that you denied that we were a thing,” Yukhei murmured.

Mark could feel his own cheeks heat up at that. He knew what Yukhei was referring to. Ever since their first meeting, Mark had gushed about the latter to Donghyuck. He had never specifically mentioned that he had feelings for Yukhei, though. He did not need to because it was obvious, anyway. The fact that Donghyuck had figured out that Yukhei liked him back was a major surprise because he had never told anyone about what was going on between them. It was not like he was trying to keep it a secret. He just liked to keep his business private.

“We’ve never established anything,” Mark replied, shrugging, as he tried to play it cool.

He could feel his own heartbeat pick up the pace as Yukhei gazed into his eyes tenderly, giving him _the_ look again. The taller male reached out a hand to cup Mark’s cheek gently. Mark held his breath as Yukhei leaned in closer until their lips were almost touching. They stayed like that for a few moments as tension began to rise in the air.

Unable to take it any longer, Mark pressed his lips against Yukhei’s firmly and grinned when he felt the latter respond to the kiss. He closed his eyes as he moved his lips gently to the rhythm that they had both set as he circled his arms around Yukhei, pulling him even closer.

The kiss was everything that he had imagined. Yukhei’s lips were as soft as they appeared to be. The taller male was also just as gentle as Mark had known he would be. It felt good and he thought to himself that he could do this forever. If someone told him that he was currently in heaven, he would believe them without question.

Finally, after a while, the two of them pulled away to catch their breath. Yukhei’s eyes twinkled and Mark briefly wondered why Yukhei was in awe of shooting stars when he was pretty sure that he already held the stars in his eyes.

“I like you,” Yukhei confessed.

Mark smiled as he felt something familiar bloom inside his chest. It was a feeling that he had long forgotten and had thought he would never feel again. He was wrong because he knew what kind of feeling this was. He had experienced it once, so many years ago, and had buried it all at the back of his mind, not wanting to remember the bittersweet memories it brought.

Now, it all came tumbling out. This time around, he was certain that Yukhei was the one. Yukhei was a sweetheart. His hands were not tainted, unlike the person he once loved a long time ago. Yukhei was not the kind of person who would ruin everything that he touched. He was different. So different and Mark absolutely loved it. He felt in control with Yukhei.

“I like you too,” he replied softly. “I like you a whole lot, Wong Yukhei. Would you like to be my boyfriend?”

Yukhei beamed at him happily and nodded. “Yes,” he exclaimed excitedly. “A hundred times yes.”

And at that moment, Mark knew that Yukhei would not ruin him like the other person did back then. Instead, he knew that he would be the one fucking Yukhei up and it scared him.

As of now, he decided to live in the moment and cherish their time together before it all came crashing down on them.

The thing about therapy in prison is that almost every single one of the convicts looks forward to it, especially if the therapist is a beautiful unmarried young lady in her late twenties or early thirties. It is mainly because they are probably tired of being surrounded by criminals whose moralities are questionable and would like to be around people who they deem as attractive.

Mark has seen the leering faces that the convicts give to a couple of female doctors and he finds himself disgusted by it all. Sure, he admits that they are beautiful and these men here are probably sexually deprived. That does not mean that it is alright for them to sexualise and objectify the doctors, based on the conversations he has heard during his time in the prison.

As for Mark, he actually enjoys therapy because it takes his mind off a lot of things. For instance, he could simply talk about the most random thing and Jaehyun would nod and focus as if that is the most interesting thing ever. It feels nice to have someone to listen to him, although he has never voiced out his real issues.

This time around, however, he cracks. He does not know what has happened. He would like to blame it on Donghyuck because his visits are making him think and reminisce but he knows that it is partly his fault for suppressing all the memories instead of dealing with it heads-on for the past few years.

“I think about Yukhei a lot,” Mark whispers as soon as the door closes when the guards leave. He knows that he is not in a great condition right now. He has been tossing and turning on his bed late at night, unable to drift off to sleep, which inevitably causes dark circles to rim his eyes.

His first statement has taken Jaehyun by surprise. Mark sees the emotion flicker on his doctor’s face before he regains his composure. It is the first time he has ever brought Yukhei up voluntarily.

“Do you want to tell me what exactly about Yukhei that you’ve been thinking about?” the therapist asks carefully like he is walking on eggshells.

Mark keeps quiet as he thinks it over. The truth is, Yukhei is always on his mind. Every single day, he would think of his deceased lover and hate himself for everything that he did towards him. He cannot talk about Yukhei because he knows that it would bring some sort of relief to him, healing him albeit a little bit. He does not deserve that. He deserves to be consumed by guilt, pain and worthlessness. He deserves the longing, the yearning, the heartache. He deserves it all. That is why he has never talked about Yukhei with Jaehyun because Jaehyun wants to _ease_ his pain whereas he wants the pain to stay so that it would be a constant reminder of how much he had fucked up.

He is only human, though, and humans are bound to crack someday. It has been two weeks since Donghyuck’s last visit and yet he finds himself craving for more interaction to connect him to his past, to connect him to Yukhei once again even if he is no longer alive.

Talking about Yukhei seems to be the least he could do to keep the connection alive so Mark speaks up, “I think of how our relationship progressed over time. I think about our first meeting and how I found him really pretty. I think about the first time we kissed and how he was possibly the sweetest human being I’ve ever met.”

The prisoner closes his eyes as soon as he feels tears begin to form. He has never once cried in front of Jaehyun and he does not plan on starting to do that. Silence envelops them and Mark is grateful for it because his therapist is letting him take his own time to talk about it instead of asking questions.

“I miss him,” Mark mumbles quietly. Then, he opens his eyes and looks at Jaehyun with a sad smile on his face. “I don’t deserve to feel this way but I miss him a whole lot.”

Jaehyun opens his mouth to say something, probably to give comfort, but then he closes it again. What is there to say to a criminal who confesses that he misses his partner whom he killed? Why would anyone even want to comfort someone like that? Mark knows it is fucked up but he truly does miss him. He knows what Jaehyun wants to ask. It is the typical question that he has received over the years. His mother, Donghyuck and even his cellmate, Johnny, have asked him before.

_Why did you kill the person that you were in love with? What did he ever do to you?_

It is a mystery that everyone wants to know the answer to because they could not quite understand. It is simply illogical, Mark knows.

Despite having the urge to ask the typical question, Jaehyun refrains himself from doing so. It is his way of letting Mark take control of the conversation. They are treading on unfamiliar territory so it only makes sense for Mark to take the lead in case Jaehyun says anything that might set him off and, consequently, cause him to refuse to open up in the near future.

“Sometimes, I think about what it would’ve been like if he were still alive,” Mark continues in a soft tone. He takes in a deep breath and lets it out slowly. The tears are still there in his eyes and he can feel them threatening to roll down his cheeks. He barely manages to hold himself back from crying.

“He would’ve become a therapist, like you,” the prisoner tells Jaehyun. “He had always liked fixing things, fixing _people_. He knew I wasn’t exactly the best person to date but he accepted me the way I was. He was patient with me even when I refused to let him in.”

Mark tries to steady his breath. He hopes that his voice will not break. His attempt of holding back his tears is futile because he can already feel them streaming down his cheeks. He wipes it away with the back of his hand and smiles gratefully when Jaehyun hands him a piece of tissue.

“You know, he always thought that he hid his feelings well but I could read him almost as well as I could read Donghyuck. Both of them were like open books, you see. They wore their hearts on their sleeves. Donghyuck still does, even though he has learnt to hide his emotions better but it makes no difference to me,” Mark goes on. “I could see the pain in his eyes, doc. I saw how much Yukhei was hurting when he dealt with me. I saw the pain I caused him and I knew that it was killing him inside not being able to fix me, no matter how hard he tried, because I was unfixable, because I was complicated, because, deep inside, I was fucked up. It made him feel worthless. It killed him inside, knowing that I–”

The prisoner cuts himself off, not wanting to continue the statement. Jaehyun stares at him expectantly, waiting for him to complete the sentence. Mark lets out a soft sigh.

“I’m tired, doc. Can we end our session early today?” he requests weakly as he wipes his tears away with the tissue in his hand.

Their relationship was not perfect per se, but Mark still loved what they had just the same. As he was lying down next to Yukhei, naked, he closed his eyes to enjoy the feeling of bliss. It was rare for him to feel this kind of tranquillity. He was content and happy. God, he did not even remember when was the last time he had felt this jubilant before.

They had been dating for a year and a half now. Mark could easily say that he was very much in love with Wong Yukhei. The Chinese male meant the world to him and he did not think that he could ever live without him. Before his boyfriend came into his life, Mark had to admit that his life was bleak and dull, but now that he had Yukhei, he felt _alive_. For the first time in forever, he actually felt like he was so fucking alive and the feeling was addictive, to be honest.

“Who is Na Jaemin?” his boyfriend asked softly, breaking the serene atmosphere.

Mark’s eyes snapped open in surprise at that. He had not heard that name in ages. It was an unspoken vow among his circle of friends that no one was to bring him up ever again, especially after everything that he had done. Mark raised an eyebrow at Yukhei who was naked, just like him. He threw an arm over his boyfriend’s torso and looked up at him with a pout on his lips.

“Why are you asking me about another guy when we just had sex?” he asked in a sulky tone, a poor attempt of changing the topic. He prayed to the forces up above that Yukhei would let it slide.

Unfortunately, it seemed like his prayer was not answered because his boyfriend was not satisfied with the response. “Mark,” he said in a warning tone, indicating that this was a serious discussion.

Mark let out a soft sigh. He truly loved Yukhei but sometimes, his boyfriend could get demanding when it came to knowing details about his personal life. Mark did not blame him, really. He understood that Yukhei wanted him to let the latter in but Mark had never been one to express himself, much less his feelings.

“Where did you hear that name, love?” he asked gently as his finger began to trace patterns on Yukhei’s chest.

Yukhei hesitated. Mark shot him a pointed look, conveying a message through his eyes. It was a difficult task to get Mark to open up, everyone knew that. However, he was willing to be honest if Yukhei was open with him too. It was only fair that way.

“I overheard Donghyuck and Jeno talk about him the other day,” Yukhei explained. “They were talking about how it probably wasn’t in your best interest if he were to come back into your life.”

Mark hummed under his breath in response. He tried to play it cool but he could not help the interest that bloomed inside his chest. It had been years since he had last heard from Na Jaemin. In fact, he had worked so hard to forget about him, especially since he was already in a relationship with Yukhei. He should have moved on.

Although Mark hated to admit it, a part of his heart still beat for Jaemin. How could it not, honestly, when Jaemin was once his everything so many years ago? He might have been with someone else but that did not mean his feelings for Jaemin had turned into ashes.

But Mark was not a fool. He was not going to lose the person he currently loved just to look for the person he lost when he was young. Jaemin was a chapter of his life that had already ended. It should remain that way, especially since he was nowhere to be found, anyway. Mark was content with what he had with Yukhei. It was sufficient for him. He was certain of the feelings he harboured for his boyfriend and nothing could change his mind.

“Who is he, Mark?” Yukhei repeated his question. Mark looked up into his eyes and his heart ached as he saw the insecurity in them.

Mark wrapped Yukhei in a tight hug as he buried his face into the latter’s shoulder. He took in a deep breath, inhaling Yukhei’s scent, loving the way it calmed him down. He forced the interest that had flickered into life to eradicate itself from his heart.

“He’s an old friend,” Mark answered, at last. It was not exactly a lie. Donghyuck, Jeno and he had known Na Jaemin during their middle school and high school days. The boy was a troublemaker in high school, always skipping school, and even if he attended school, he was rarely in class. His name was always on the detention list.

However, Mark could not say that they were just friends. They were more than that, although they had never established anything official. Friends definitely did not steal kisses in the bathroom during lunch break. Friends also did not make out with each other on their respective beds. Friends absolutely were not irrevocably in love with each other.

“Not just a friend for you,” Yukhei guessed tentatively.

Mark did not say anything to that. What was there to say? The answer was painfully obvious by the way he reacted. Even the dumbest person on earth could figure out that Jaemin was so much more than a friend to Mark. He knew that he should say something to reassure Yukhei. Jaemin was someone he knew in the past and the present was what Mark would rather focus on.

So, he looked up and cupped Yukhei’s face gently. Then, he leaned in to press a kiss on his boyfriend’s lips, trying to express everything that he could not put into words. However, Yukhei did not respond to the kiss. Mark pulled away and he could see the sadness pooling in his boyfriend’s eyes. Well, fuck. His boyfriend totally misread the situation.

“Yukhei, I wasn’t trying to–”

“Forget it, Mark,” Yukhei brushed it off. He pushed Mark off him gently and sat up on the bed. “I’m going to shower.”

Mark watched helplessly as Yukhei got off their shared bed to grab his towel from the wardrobe. It did not sit well with him, knowing that his boyfriend misunderstood his intention. “I love you,” Mark whispered quietly before Yukhei could enter the bathroom that was connected to their bedroom.

“I know.”

Mark sighed softly. He got up from the bed and walked over to his boyfriend to circle his arms around his waist in a back hug. “I’m here, Yukhei,” he murmured softly into his ear. “I’m with _you_.”

“It’s not that,” Yukhei replied. There was a hint of exasperation in his voice.

“Then, what is it?”

“I just wish that you’d open up more to me,” Yukhei answered. Mark hated how his voice was dripped with sadness. “It just sucks that I found out about Na Jaemin from someone else instead of you. Or that your older brother ran away from home. I didn’t even know that you have a sibling, Mark. All this time, I thought you were an only child.”

Mark tightened his hold on Yukhei as he felt his heart sink. It was not that he did not want to open up to him. It was just that he did not know how to. Being emotionally constipated was hard. He did not know how to let Yukhei in, despite how much he wanted to.

“I’m sorry,” he apologised.

“No, it’s fine,” Yukhei shrugged it off. He gently unclasped Mark’s arms from his waist. “I can’t force you to open up to me. You have the right to tell me or to keep it to yourself. I can’t blame you for that.” Then, he entered the bathroom and closed the door.

Mark swallowed the lump that appeared in his throat. He tried his best to stop the tears from falling but it was a futile attempt. Wiping his tears away, he felt determination rise in him. He truly loved Yukhei and would do anything for him. It hurt him to see how sad Yukhei was. With that, he pushed open the door to the bathroom and closed it behind him.

Yukhei looked at him in surprise at the bold move. The shower was already turned on and the bathroom was foggy from the heat. They might have seen each other naked before but this was the first time that they had ever been in the shower together. Pushing the sudden embarrassment that tried to overwhelm him away, Mark approached his boyfriend and kissed him firmly. It did not take long for Yukhei to respond to the kiss. The two of them continued to kiss each other under the shower, the hot water running down their backs.

After a few seconds, Mark pulled away and looked up at the taller male. “Give me time,” he requested.

His boyfriend arched an eyebrow quizzically, not understanding what he was talking about.

“I need you to be patient with me, babe,” he said quietly. “I’m not used to letting people in or talking about what’s bothering me. So, I’m going to need a lot of time before I could get used to it. I need you to help me through it all, Yukhei. Will you do that for me?”

Yukhei did not say anything for a moment. Mark held his breath as he waited for his boyfriend to respond to his request. Then, finally, Yukhei pulled him into a tight hug. “Okay,” he agreed.

Mark smiled. He was probably the luckiest person ever to end up with the sweetest person in this world.

Contrary to what Mark believes, Donghyuck comes back.

It takes the younger male around a month and a half to face Mark again but he still comes back, surprisingly. This time around, Mark can tell that his old friend is prepared, judging by his determined expression yet relaxed posture. Sometimes, he hates how he is able to read Donghyuck easily because he knows when his impending doom is going to take place. Right now, he knows that Donghyuck will not be easily shaken off just like the previous times.

Mark takes a seat on the usual black chair grudgingly. He wonders if it is worth it to put up a fight. Will he be able to win against Donghyuck? Years of friendship have taught him that it is impossible to win against his old friend’s stubbornness. That does not mean he has stopped trying. Who knows if he would prevail someday? He snorts to himself. Unlikely.

“I take it that you’ve accepted all the horrible things that I did to Yukhei?” Mark questions, tilting his head to the side slightly, attempting to get the upper hand of this coming argument.

Donghyuck does not flinch. In fact, he remains inexplicably calm. He smiles his mockingly sweet smile that has never failed to irk Mark because the latter knows what the smile means. The smile is a sign that Donghyuck is confident of his victory. He has laid out all the cards inside his head and is only now left to choose which card to use in order to win. Mark hates that. If there is one thing that Donghyuck is good at, it is winning psychological games.

“You see, I’ve never understood why I had trouble believing that you were capable of those horrible things,” Donghyuck drawls, the smile is still etched on his lips.

Mark tenses. His old friend is looking directly into his eyes and there is nothing he could do except to maintain the eye contact. If he is bound to lose today, he would damn well not lose in the eye contact fight too. He refuses to get his pride stomped on easily.

“So, you’re finally able to believe it, then?” Mark replies, trying to keep his tone light. Although he tries hard not to let his tension show, he knows that Donghyuck is able to see it. Fuck Donghyuck, really. He hates how well they know each other.

Donghyuck stretches his legs in front of him before tucking them back underneath the chair. Then, he leans forward with the smile still on his lips. “I know you, Mark,” he says conversationally. “We’ve known each other ever since we were children, remember?”

“You were a brat back then and you’re still a brat now,” the prisoner grumbles.

The smile that he receives in response is genuine this time around and Mark hates how it makes him feel. Nostalgia is a feeling that he has been trying to avoid for the past few years.

“You’re not the best person out there, Mark,” Donghyuck says softly. The mocking smile is gone now from his face. “But I’ve always loved you because of who you are. You’re always going around helping other people, putting others before yourself and trying to save people when the one who needs saving is you. I know you, Mark. I watched you grow up. I was there for you when you got your heart broken for the first time. I was there when you were at your best and at your worst. I _know_ you.”

“What are you trying to say, Hyuck?” Mark asks, having had enough of the psychological game that his old friend is playing.

Donghyuck’s eyes visibly soften. He drops his confident demeanour. In front of Mark is not the Donghyuck who tries to comprehend what happened four years ago. It is not Donghyuck the cop either. Instead, it is his childhood friend, Donghyuck, the one who has been there for him through thick and thin, the one who knows him better than anyone else.

“You’re not capable of the horrible things you did,” Donghyuck answers simply.

“But I still did it.”

“That’s why I said I didn’t understand why I had trouble believing you were capable of them. You weren’t,” his old friend says quietly. “But there is only one person who could bring out the worst in you, whom you would do anything for, whom you practically worship the ground he walks on.”

Mark blinks. He tears his gaze away from Donghyuck’s prying ones. He does not think he could handle this conversation right now. His own pulse is racing and he finds himself having difficulty breathing. _Count your breaths_ , he tells himself fiercely. He takes in a deep breath and lets it out slowly. The process repeats quite a few times.

“Na Jaemin,” Donghyuck utters, breaking the unspoken vow that they had made all those years ago.

The name itself takes Mark’s breath away and all the breathing techniques that Jaehyun has taught him to calm himself down are lost from his mind, unable to retrieve the information. That is how great the name has on him. His heart begins to beat faster at the simple mention of his name. His pulse quickens in excitement. He really hates himself for his reaction.

“ _My God_ ,” Donghyuck spits out in a mixture of anger and disbelief as soon as he sees the reaction before him. “You’re still fucking _in love_ with him.”

At the very least, Mark has the decency to look down at the floor in shame. That does not mean that it appeases his old friend. Instead, Donghyuck is already agitated. He stands up from his chair abruptly, the sound of the legs of the chair dragging across the floor resonates in the room loudly.

The cop paces back and forth as he rants, “After everything that he did, after everything that he did _to you_ , you’re still in love with him. I can’t fucking believe you.” He throws his hands up in the air in frustration as he comes to a stop right in front of Mark. The prisoner looks up, trying hard to fight back the tears that have pooled in his eyes.

“He hurt you, Mark,” Donghyuck says bluntly. “He hurt you in ways you’d never been hurt before, he manipulated you, he used you and then he ghosted you. I was the one who witnessed all of your breakdowns, I was the one who pieced you back together after all the damage that he had done, I was your pillar of support when he left. _I_ kept you alive all these years so you could finally be happy with someone you deserved and you ended up fucking it all up because of Na Jaemin?”

Mark blinks, fighting to keep the tears at bay. He knows that his old friend could see that he is close to crying. Honestly, he thinks that this is exactly what Donghyuck wants; to reduce Mark into tears because of what he did to Yukhei. It is revenge in his own way.

“You lied to Yukhei because of Jaemin, you cheated on the best partner you’ve ever had with Na fucking Jaemin,” Donghyuck condemns cruelly. Then, his palms land on the coffee table with a loud smack as he leans in closer to Mark’s face as his eyes blaze with ferocity. “Don’t fucking tell me that you murdered Yukhei for him too, Mark, because that’s a whole other level of low, even for you.”

The prisoner stiffens at that. His vision clears as the tears fade into nothingness. Suddenly, the crush of grief that he has been feeling has dissipated into thin air as soon as he hears the last sentence that Donghyuck has said. His old friend has chosen the wrong card to play this time due to the fact that he is blinded with fury.

“What did Jaemin tell you that got you visiting me again after all these years?” he inquires coldly, forcing his emotions to retreat back into their shells.

Donghyuck chuckles bitterly. “That little shit looked at me with a fucking smirk on his face. Then he had the nerve to say, ‘Do you really think that _our_ Mark is really capable of murder, Hyuck?’ That fucking dipshit,” he reveals the answer to the question that has been haunting Mark ever since his previous visit.

Mark closes his eyes as he leans back against the chair. He can already feel the headache forming and he wonders if the guards would slip him some painkillers later in order to clear his head. Knowing how common it is for prisoners to overdose on painkillers, it is unlikely although they have a soft spot for Mark. Maybe asking for one pill would not hurt.

“Jaemin was there when you killed Yukhei, wasn’t he?” Donghyuck guesses.

The prisoner does not say anything in response to that. After all the accusations that his old friend has thrown into his face, he refuses to explain himself to him. Donghyuck is too worked up to accept reality and Mark does not want to aggravate him further.

“What’s so special about Na Jaemin that got you all wrapped around his little finger, Mark?”

The older male’s eyes snap open as soon as he hears the question. “Perhaps, you should ask your boyfriend that. I’m not the only one enchanted by him,” he quips tersely.

“Jeno managed to escape his grasp, at the very least,” Donghyuck shoots back.

Mark snorts at that. “Did he, really?” he asks rhetorically. Then, he crosses his arms over his chest and looks at his old friend challengingly. “He was the one who told Jaemin where I lived four years ago.”

That finally shuts Donghyuck up.

For the first time ever, Mark has won against Donghyuck in an argument. He does not know if he deserves to feel proud.

Na Jaemin.

Even the mention of the name would get Mark’s heart to skip a beat. Back then, everyone knew who Jaemin was; the teachers’ favourite, the students’ sweetheart and all parents’ dream child. At least, in middle school that was who he was. He got everything he wanted with a bat of his eyelashes. The whole town was under his thumb.

It was easy to fall in love with Jaemin, honestly. He was sweet and kind to everyone, even to those who did not deserve it. He charmed everyone with his saccharine smile and sweet laughter that had never failed to capture people’s hearts.

Deep down, Mark had always known that Jaemin was messed up. It was obvious in the way his eyes would darken sometimes whenever someone made a crude joke, regarding Mark. Jaemin would lay his hand on the older male’s lower back possessively and shoot the joke down smoothly in his way that made it impossible to despise him.

The truth was, Mark saw him beneath all the façade that he put on. When Jaemin briefly dated Jeno, Mark saw through him. Jaemin had never harboured any genuine feelings for Jeno. He simply asked Jeno out because everyone said that they would look good together. He did it for the clout.

Mark should be angry, honestly, because they were all in the same circle of friends, despite Mark being a year older and a grade above. Everyone knew that Jeno and Jaemin were together but it was dysfunctional. No one exactly knew what went down between them but the two of them were always breaking up and getting back together. Unfortunately, he just felt more intrigued than angry.

So, how did Mark end up falling head over heels for his best friend who was also his other best friend’s boyfriend?

Truth be told, Mark did not know, either. It just kind of happened. Jaemin was closer to Mark than Donghyuck so it was only natural for him to seek the older male out whenever he and Jeno broke up whereas Jeno was much closer to Donghyuck. Their separation had never lasted a week. It all came to a downfall when Jeno declared that he was officially done with his on and off relationship with Jaemin the summer before Mark went off to high school.

Jaemin would never admit it but Mark knew that it hurt his pride. That was why the summer before Mark went off to high school, he made sure to spend as much time as possible with the younger male to comfort him. It was then when he realised that he actually had feelings for Na Jaemin.

Their friendship was easy. With him, Jaemin had never pretended to be someone else. All the sharp comments that were on the tip of his tongue were no longer held back. He was more real when he was around Mark. He seemed human instead of the ethereal being he acted like.

Honestly, if Mark had to admit the truth to himself, he knew he was being played. Jaemin had the ability to read people well and he knew exactly what they wanted before they even expressed themselves. Thus, he was able to get Mark wrapped around his little finger. It took a little bit of work but he succeeded.

He knew that Mark needed to feel special and he gave Mark exactly what he wanted. He showed different sides of him that he had never shown anyone else, told the older male everything he needed to hear about how he felt like he was only able to be himself when he was around him, did everything he could to get Mark flustered just because he could.

What Jaemin had never bargained for was that he was capable of falling in love too. It initially started out as something he decided to do in his boredom because his dysfunctional relationship was over. There was nothing to entertain him and the only person who was the closest to him was Mark. Mark knew that the younger male simply wanted to fuck with his feelings just for the hell of it. So, it was hilarious when Mark could feel all the possessiveness that Jaemin harboured when it came to him simply by his touch.

Mark was not as popular as Jaemin but that did not mean that he did not have his fair share of admirers. A lot of people had confessed to him but he rejected them because he did not feel the same way. It was the night before the summer break had ended when Jaemin finally confessed.

“I like you,” he told Mark seriously as they lay in Mark’s bed. It was not uncommon for Jaemin to sleep over. Mark’s parents had gotten used to it over the years.

Mark did not say anything back because he was too surprised by it. It was not that he was not aware of Jaemin’s feelings for him. He just did not expect for the latter to confess his feelings so soon.

“Why?”

The older male had asked that because he knew Jaemin. Jaemin could have anyone he wanted and both of them were aware of that fact. Unfortunately, Jaemin had never set his sights on anyone aside from Jeno. But Jeno did not count because his feelings for the former were not even real. However, Mark was different. Mark could tell from the way Jaemin actually put in effort to give him what he wanted. It used to be hot and cold with Jaemin but, these days, the affection was constant.

“I don’t know,” Jaemin answered. “I showed you the real me, how fucked up I can be when I intentionally hurt others, yet you’re still here. You haven’t left. You accept me for the way that I am and not the façade that I put on.”

Mark knew that it was true. The truth was, he did not know who was more fucked up. Jaemin for being the way he was, for liking gory movies and having the urge to inflict pain on others simply because it made him feel powerful or Mark for liking this kind of person who manipulated him into liking him, who actually wanted to fuck with his feelings but ended up catching feelings instead.

He was not sure but he decided not to mind it. So, he pressed his lips against Jaemin’s to shut up all the thoughts racing inside his mind.

If one were to ask Mark who he loves the most in the whole world, he would have no answer.

Normally, a lot of people would answer that the person would be their parents, or soulmates, or their best friends, or whoever else that holds the utmost importance in a human’s life. For Mark, he does not know how to answer that question. He thinks that love is more complex than people make it seem to be.

There are different kinds of love. First, there is the platonic love that he feels for his family. He knows that he loves them, even Taeyong who ran away from home. However, sometimes, he wonders if he loves them for who they are or because he is obligated to do so due to the fact that they have the same blood running through their veins. It does not really matter, though. He is certain that he loves them unconditionally, anyway, even though his mother no longer wants to talk to him, even though his father has probably cut him out of his will, even though his brother has long lost contact with him.

Then, there is the love he harbours for his best friend of all time, Lee Donghyuck. It is impossible not to love him, honestly, especially since he has been there for Mark since the beginning of time. He may tease and annoy Mark a lot but the latter cannot deny that it actually makes him feel amused. Donghyuck always wants the best for him. He could not think of a better friend other than Donghyuck.

Platonic love is simple and easy because it is something quiet. It does not thrum in your veins or make your heart beat faster. It does not make you feel butterflies in your tummy, nor does it cause you to smile like a fucking idiot over something simple yet cheesy that they say.

Now, when it comes to romantic love, Mark thinks that this is where it gets complicated. He is not an expert when it comes to love, nor is he a philosopher who talks about the idea of love. He has no idea what exactly love is but there is one thing that he is absolutely sure of: love is powerful. He still distinctly remembers watching Game of Thrones and there is one scene that left an impact in him. It is what Jaime Lannister told his twin sister, Cersei, before he pushed Bran Stark off the Broken Tower, “ _The things I do for love.”_

It is a simple sentence but Mark feels it in his bones. When you love someone, it is inevitable that you would do anything for them. You would even go as far as to sacrifice your own happiness, your own life, for them. It is an intoxicating feeling and, if Mark has to be completely honest, unhealthy. Losing yourself is common when you love someone and he thinks that that is the beauty of it, albeit the toxicity.

He thinks that it is beautiful in a broken way. It is poetic, really, how one would still hold on to the person that they love, despite all the pain that they have put them through. It is breath-taking to know that there is someone out there who would always come back to you although you have hurt them repeatedly, countless of times. They would still forgive you, anyway, because they love you.

So, when Johnny looks at him as the priest is preaching about forgiveness, Mark knows what the older male is about to ask. As expected, he whispers softly, not wanting to disturb the other prisoners who are concentrating on the sermon, “Do you think that Yukhei forgives you for killing him?”

Mark tries his best to neutralise his expression as a snort threatens to slip out. Luckily, he is able to control himself. He looks straight ahead, not wanting to get caught talking. He definitely does not want to get called out by the priest. After deeming it as safe enough to respond, he says, “Yukhei’s dead, you shithead.”

It is Johnny’s turn to muffle his snort. They really should be focusing on what the priest is talking about. It is meaningful, frankly. He is talking about how important it is to seek forgiveness from the people that you have hurt and to forgive the people who have hurt you. With forgiveness comes peace and the peace that lives within you when you have forgiven someone is worth it. You would feel happy and content. It is a good subject to broach because most prisoners here are hard-hearted. Mark thinks that it is clever of the prison management team to choose this topic to soften their hearts.

“No, I mean, hypothetically. You know what Yukhei was like. You’d know if he’d forgive you or not,” Johnny replies.

Mark shrugs noncommittally. Instead of answering the question, he says, “What about you? Do you think the families of the people you sold drugs to have forgiven you for ruining their lives?”

His cellmate casts him a deadpanned look. “Obviously not,” he answers without hesitation. “But it doesn’t matter because I don’t care about their forgiveness. You, on the other hand, surely care about Yukhei’s forgiveness. He was your lover, after all.”

Mark does not say anything for a moment. He listens to what the priest is saying as he ponders if he should respond to the question that Johnny asked. Father Moon Taeil is going on and on about how to forgive someone, how to clear your heart of grudges, but Mark barely registers what he is saying inside his head.

Then, having come to a conclusion, Mark finally turns to look at Johnny. Then, he smiles sadly as he says, “Yukhei is a forgiving person. He’d forgive me. It’s me who can’t forgive myself.”

Because Yukhei loved him. Yukhei would forgive him for anything. Fucking beautiful, really, yet unhealthy.

With Jaemin, it felt like everything was a dream and the only thing that mattered was him.

Na Jaemin was crazy, to put it simply. That was how one would describe him during his high school days. Gone were the days when people were actually whipped for him. He singlehandedly ruined it all by simply being who he was. He no longer put in efforts to refrain himself from speaking his sharp comments out loud. He fucked around with people’s feelings simply because he could. He dated a whole lot, only to break hearts for his own enjoyment.

Some would say that Jeno ruined him. But Jeno and Jaemin had made up the summer before they entered high school and they seemed to be really good friends with no hint of their past relationship threatening to tear their friendship apart. It made sense because they were friends first before lovers.

The more popular reason would be that the divorce caused him to act out. Before this, he had a perfect family, or so people thought. His parents were happily married and their child was perfect. They were wealthy too. They were the definition of a perfect family. It was all a front, of course. An illusion. So, when the divorce happened, everyone was shocked. They blamed it on the divorce for the reason why Jaemin had turned into a completely different person than before.

If Mark had a say in it, he would say that this had always been who Jaemin was. The divorce probably triggered him to show his true colours. The only reason why he pretended to be the perfect child was to play house with his parents to make the perfect family. When the reason was not valid anymore, there was nothing holding him back from being who he truly was.

Honestly, Mark received the brunt of it all. They both already established that they had feelings for each other. Jaemin still sought him out for comfort and warmth, whenever he was feeling down. That did not stop him from meeting other people and playing with their feelings. It hurt a whole lot but Mark refused to admit it to himself. It should not matter because they were never official. It should not have this kind of effect on him but it did.

To put it simply, Donghyuck said that Jaemin was using him. It was probably true that Jaemin had feelings for Mark but it was not enough. He probably loved the attention and affection that Mark basked him in just so he could feel loved whenever he felt deprived. Mark did not want to believe that but sometimes he wondered if it was true.

Most times, he did not think that it was true because Jaemin was _insanely possessive_. He hated it when people even so much as laid a hand on Mark as a friendly gesture. If Mark received a love letter from a secret admirer, he would snatch the letter and burn it to ashes. If someone confessed to the older male face to face, the person would stay away from him the next day. Mark knew that Jaemin had something to do with it but he did not know exactly what. Truth be told, he did not think he ever wanted to know.

It got a lot worse when Jaemin started drinking. Much worse when he started getting high. He hung out with Kim Jungwoo, the school’s notorious junkie, and that was when things began going downhill. Mark _hated_ Jungwoo. He despised him for being a bad influence on Jaemin. He hated the person Jaemin became whenever he was around Jungwoo.

He would get meaner, crueller, even. He got into fights often and Mark did not remember the last time the younger male came to school without bruises on his knuckles, cuts on his knees and a black eye. In fact, he stopped attending school regularly and even when he came, he was rarely seen in his classroom. He would only come during lunchtime to drag Mark to the bathroom to make out with him.

They fought in school once. Mark just started junior year in high school while Jaemin had to retain his freshman year, considering the fact that he did not even turn up for exams. Many people speculated that the only reason he was not expelled was because of his father’s sponsorship for the school.

The fight was ugly. The whole student body witnessed it and Mark had never felt so embarrassed in his whole life. Everyone knew that they had a thing for each other but they had always kept things private. It was the first time that they had ever fought publicly.

Jaemin had tried to press a kiss on Mark’s lips but Mark pushed him away because he could smell the alcohol on his breath. “Don’t fucking kiss me when you’re drunk,” he hissed as quietly as possible because they were in the cafeteria. The only people who could hear their words were Donghyuck and Jeno who were trying their best not to pay any heed to it.

“What’s your fucking deal?” Jaemin snapped in his drunken haze. His voice was loud and it had successfully garnered the attention of the students sitting nearby their table.

“Keep your voice down,” Mark replied coldly. He glanced around uncomfortably as he noticed the eyes on them.

Apparently, Jaemin was not happy at being told what to do because the next thing he did was to make a scene. “You’d let Dejun stick his tongue down your throat but not me?” he spat out in anger.

It had been ages since the two of them last saw each other. Almost a month. Mark had honestly had enough of this and that was why he decided to try to move on. Dejun was simply there. He was sweet and kind and everything that Jaemin was not. It was nice to feel like he was important, to feel like he mattered, to feel like he was loved. Having not attended school for about a month, it was a surprise that Jaemin even knew that Mark had something going on with someone else.

Mark bristled in response. “What’s wrong with that?” he replied, keeping his voice controlled.

“You’re such a whore, Mark,” Jaemin told him flatly.

The words affected Mark more than he would like them to. Tears formed in his eyes as he gaped in disbelief at Jaemin. Unable to contain his hurt, Mark stood up to leave.

Unfortunately, Jaemin had other ideas. He grabbed the older male’s wrist tightly, preventing him from leaving. “Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” he asked in a seething tone.

Mark struggled to release the hold Jaemin had on his wrist. It was a futile attempt because the grip tightened even further and he was almost convinced that his blood circulation might be cut off. “Let me go,” he demanded as tears clouded his vision. It was a mixture of pain and anger. At this point of time, everyone in the cafeteria was staring at them.

“Jaem, what the fuck?” Donghyuck intervened. “You’re hurting him.”

“Let him go, Jaemin,” Jeno scolded.

Jaemin scoffed. He stood up and dragged Mark right in the middle of the cafeteria, pleased with the fact that all eyes were on them. Mark tried to fight back but he failed because Jaemin’s strength was undefeatable, especially when he was inebriated. Donghyuck and Jeno rushed to follow them, telling Jaemin to cease his crazy acts.

“What are you doing?” Mark burst out, finally. His attempt to hold back his tears ultimately failed. Tears were already streaming down his cheeks as he felt so humiliated. He really did not want to do this right now.

Jaemin ignored him completely and focused on the crowd instead. “I guess I haven’t made this clear enough,” he announced in a cold detached tone. “Mark Lee is _mine_. If you know what’s good for you, don’t flirt with him, don’t touch him, don’t kiss him, don’t fucking try to take what’s mine.”

The whole cafeteria was silent, save for Jaemin who continued to warn people against flirting with Mark. No one dared to say anything because it was crystal clear that Jaemin was willing to fight anyone who tried to defy him. His intoxicated state would make it even worse for his opponent. He definitely would not hold back. Having a rich father to back him up, he would get away with it easily.

“I’m not your fucking property, Jaem,” Mark snarled. He forcefully wrenched his hand away from Jaemin, seeing that the grip had loosened slightly when the latter let his guard down as he made his announcement. He quickly took a step back from Jaemin as the younger male attempted to grab him again. “Stay the fuck away from me.”

“ _No_ ,” Jaemin refused.

“You’re fucking crazy,” Mark yelled shakily in response. The tears could not seem to stop flowing. He could not believe that he was having this argument right here in the middle of the cafeteria where everyone could see. It was so humiliating and he wished that the ground would swallow him whole right now.

Jaemin smirked at that. “That’s what you like best about me, isn’t it? You like that I’m crazy. You like that I’m fucked up because you’re just as fucked–”

“Shut up,” the older male cut him off quickly as panic rose inside of him. It was supposed to be private, a secret that they both shared. No one else had the right to know that. It was personal. Intimate, even. The tears kept coming and Mark wished that the floor could swallow him whole. “ _Shut the fuck up, Jaemin_.”

For the first time that day, Jaemin listened to him, knowing that he had gone too far. That sentence seemed to sober him up because he almost looked sorry. “I love you, Mark,” he said in a serious tone. “I love you so fucking much and you and I both know that I don’t feel this way for just anyone.”

Mark wiped his tears with the back of his hand. He hated how much the words affected him. It was like the wounds that Jaemin had inflicted on him were slowly healing. It was like Jaemin was mending the wounds by sewing them slowly and gently.

“I can’t let you go, Mark,” Jaemin said softly. “I’ll never let you go.”

Mark considered forgiving Jaemin right at this moment. But then, he remembered how Jaemin had gone missing in action for about a month. He thought back to how the younger male acted like he owned him, as if Mark was some sort of a toy. He even called him a whore in front of Donghyuck and Jeno, and whoever else that was listening.

“Fuck off, Jaemin,” he spat out menacingly.

With that, he left the cafeteria to wallow himself in misery privately.

“I don’t think I’ve ever had a stable relationship,” Mark muses to his therapist.

Jaehyun raises his eyebrow questioningly. He seems to be intrigued by the direction this conversation is going. It is the second time Mark has ever mentioned anything that has to do with his emotional trauma. Another unfamiliar territory to explore.

“How many have you had?”

Mark pauses as he thinks about it in his head. There is Jaemin, his first love, his worst trauma. Then, there is Dejun whom he fucked over just like how Jaemin messed with all those people whose hearts he broke. The third person he had ever been with is Kim Doyoung who attempted to control every aspect of his life. The last one is Yukhei, the sweetest of them all.

“Officially, only two,” Mark answers, at last. “But if you count all the people that I was with unofficially, none of them were stable.”

Jaehyun nods thoughtfully. Then, he tilts his head to the side in a way that makes people want to continue talking because the topic interests him. Mark could be talking about how the earth is round instead of flat and Jaehyun would still think that it is the most interesting fact ever.

“What makes you say that?”

The prisoner shrugs. “Maybe because the first time I fell in love, it was already dysfunctional in the first place,” he replies. “Jaemin was insane, as some would describe him. He was fucked up and he fucked me up badly. He was _insanely possessive_ of me and would hate it when people tried to touch me. Sometimes, I blame him for my own inability to form stable relationships with other people. It was, like, he ruined the whole dating experience for me, you know?”

“What do you mean by that?” Jaehyun prompts. His hand reaches for his pen. Mark observes as amusement fills him. He knows that it is common for therapists to take notes while their patients talk but Jaehyun has always been different. He does not take notes until their session is over because he wants to give his utmost attention to what they are saying. The fact that he is tempted to take notes means that what Mark is saying is significant.

“It was dysfunctional with him,” Mark says. “I loved it yet I hated it at the same time. It was paradoxical but I felt so alive back then. There were the good days and then there were the bad ones. I smiled, I laughed and I cried. I cried more than I laughed. But it was worth it, doc. The feeling that he made me feel was worth it and I didn’t care if he hurt me. I’d forgive him all over again and again and take him back because I loved him, you see.”

Then, he scoffs mockingly at himself. “I still do, actually,” he adds as an afterthought. “Maybe, not as much as I used to, but the feelings are still there.”

Jaehyun does not say anything but Mark’s gaze lands on the hand that is gripping the pen. Jaehyun twirls the pen in his hand and then he clenches it in his hand, restraining himself from writing. It does not matter, honestly, because every conversation is recorded and he could listen to it later to make notes. It is simply amusing to see his doctor being impatient.

“I don’t think that it’s possible to stop loving someone once you’ve fallen in love with them,” the prisoner hypothesises. “I mean, that’s the only explanation as to why I still feel strongly for Jaemin, even after all these years. The only explanation I have for fucking Yukhei over when I cheated on him with Jaemin.”

If Jaehyun feels taken aback by the sudden revelation, he does not show it. He already knows that fact, anyway. It is written in the investigation reports, after all. “I love Yukhei too, though,” Mark says softly. “I didn’t want to cheat on him but Jaemin just had this power, you know. He always knew the right buttons to push to get what he wanted. And I was weak. I succumbed to his will and cheated on the person who was supposed to be the love of my life. I’m a horrible person, aren’t I?”

The therapist does not say anything in response to that. It does not matter because this is his job, anyway. Jaehyun is here to listen and not to talk. He is getting paid to deal with the thoughts his patients have inside their head and attempt to ease their pain, heal them. He is not here to voice out his opinions or preach about what is morally right and wrong.

“They say that it is possible to be in love with two people at the same time,” Mark says softly. “But there will always be one person you love more than the other.”

“And who do you love more, Mark?” Jaehyun asks, his tone is just as soft. “Yukhei or Jaemin?”

Mark smiles. “It doesn’t matter,” he answers. “All is lost, anyway.”

The night after their fight in the school cafeteria, Jaemin lay in Mark’s bed in the older male’s arms as the two of them cuddled close, despite the hot weather. The only reason Mark let him in was because Jaemin insisted that he would wait outside the house all night long, if needed. Knowing him, Jaemin was crazy enough to do it.

He apologised for everything that happened in school earlier that day. Initially, Mark was stubborn enough to stand his ground and told him to scram after listening to what he had to say. But Jaemin was sly and he knew how to make the older male soft.

“I just didn’t like the thought of somebody else touching you,” he had whispered softly. “I got slightly possessive and acted like an asshole.”

“It wasn’t just ‘slightly possessive’, Jaem,” Mark had replied immediately.

Jaemin had quirked up a smile at that. He looked genuinely apologetic. “You’re right. I was absolutely losing my shit. I’m sorry,” he had said. “I’m sorry I called you a whore. That was uncalled for. It was low of me to do that, especially since I was the one who, you know, fooled around.”

Mark had stiffened at that. “Yeah,” he had replied tiredly. “Just leave me alone, Jaem.”

“I won’t fool around anymore,” Jaemin had said quietly. His eyes were solemn, telling Mark that he truly meant what he said. “I’ll be loyal to you and only you. Just. Don’t leave me, please.”

“That’s not enough, Jaem,” Mark had responded coldly, refusing to give in easily. Jaemin had hurt him more than his two hands could count. Even if he included his toes, the number of times that he got hurt because of him would still exceed the amount of fingers and toes he had.

“Then, what else do you want? I’d do anything, honestly.”

“I want you to quit doing drugs,” the older male said coolly. Then, he added, “And stop drinking too. I want you to buck up in school and stop ruining your own life.”

Jaemin promised to do just that. That was how he ended up in Mark’s bed, all his sins forgiven simply because Mark loved him.

And that was the last time Mark had seen him ever since until so many years later when he came back into his life only to ruin the bubble of happiness that he had created for himself and Yukhei.

It was hard at first.

If Mark had to be completely honest, he did not know how he got through the darkest time of his life. It took a lot in him to face reality but he had to, whether he liked it or not. And the reality was that Na Jaemin was gone from his life ever since that fateful night he promised to be a better person.

There were four different stages of him dealing with the loss of Jaemin from his life. It was too sudden, without any warning or goodbye. He did not even leave behind a note or a text message or even a phone call. It was like he disappeared completely without a trace.

The first stage was denial. Mark was disappointed when he did not hear from Jaemin the next day, or the day after that, or the week after. At that point of time, he believed that the younger male would come back. He always did. No matter how far Jaemin went or how long he was gone for, he would always come back to Mark because that was the closest thing akin to love that he had ever felt for anyone.

So, Mark waited. He ended things with Dejun because he believed in the promises that Jaemin had uttered, breaking Dejun’s heart unsympathetically. If he had to face his own demons, he would have to admit that he used Dejun in a way and he hated that. It did not matter, though, because Jaemin was what was important in his life. Jaemin was his first love, the person he had ever loved for the whole seventeen years of his life, if one could call it love.

Unfortunately, Jaemin did not return. All of the text messages that Mark sent in his desperation were not even read. The phone calls that Mark made to the younger male’s phone were unanswered. He even went as far to visit Jaemin’s house a month later only to find out that no one was living there any longer. Even the school board had no idea what happened to him.

“You should give up,” Donghyuck told him bluntly when they found out that Jaemin’s family had moved out. However, Mark was stubborn and he kept trying to reach him. He spammed Jaemin’s social media with messages but none of them were replied to. In fact, his social media accounts were no longer active, lying there with no updates or whatsoever regarding his whereabouts or what he was up to.

Three months later, Mark did the unthinkable. He went as far as to seek Jungwoo out. The older male had dropped out of school before Jaemin disappeared so it took a lot of work to find him. And when Mark found him, it was in a dark alley late at night where there were a lot of drug users and drunk people in the area.

“Haven’t heard from him in ages,” Jungwoo shrugged when Mark asked him about Jaemin.

It was the last straw. If Jaemin’s junkie friend did not even know where he was, it meant that Jaemin had disappeared completely. He was untraceable.

That brought Mark to the second stage which was: realisation. It took three months of no contact with Jaemin for him to finally realise that he was never coming back. Not now and not ever in the near future. Perhaps, everything he said that night was merely a lie. Maybe he had no intention of improving himself by quitting drugs.

A lot of rumours had spread around. Some said that Jaemin had run off to become a member of a local gang. There were others who speculated that Jaemin might have witnessed a murder when he bought drugs and was now in the witness protection program. Mark’s personal favourite: Jaemin probably was murdered by a drug lord and his body was burnt to ashes, hence, his sudden disappearance.

Mark did not know what to believe. All he knew was that he had lost his best friend, also known as his first love. It was hard to accept the truth but he had to because life had to go on.

After realisation, the third stage was grief. This stage was probably the longest among all four stages and Mark was not proud of the things he had done during this time. He began losing focus in classes, not paying any attention to what was being taught. Not to mention that he started to skip school more often by pretending to be sick when the reality was that he felt too much like shit to even function properly.

He missed Jaemin dearly. Jaemin was an important part of his life. Talking to him made him feel calm and content. Most of his happy days were spent with Jaemin. Although Jaemin was absent quite a lot before he disappeared, he was Mark’s pillar of support, his confidante and his whole world.

People might wonder what he even saw in Jaemin due to the younger male’s change of attitude and tendency to get high on drugs as soon as he entered high school. But those people did not know him and Jaemin. They did not know the nature of their relationship. They did not know the sweetness that was Na Jaemin.

The truth was, Jaemin was a paradox. He was so damn complicated and Mark doubted that anyone could ever figure him out. At the end of the day, Mark could say that he knew what kind of person he was but he could not say that he _knew_ him. He had never known what went on inside the pretty little head of his.

Jaemin was manipulative and crazy. Everybody knew that. He would go out of his way to make sure that things went according to his plan. He was possessive and absolutely disliked it when anyone tried to flirt with Mark. He was not afraid to fight people because of it, despite his own tendencies to flirt around with other people.

But Jaemin was a sweet poison that Mark could not get enough of. He sought his validation because Jaemin made him feel like it was okay to feel things, that he should live his life to the fullest. Jaemin was hard to be with but it did not mean that the pain was not worth it. It was so fucking dysfunctional and Mark had no words to describe how their relationship worked but he was convinced that they were meant for each other. He felt complete when he was with Jaemin, despite all the pain he put him through.

It was truly hard because Mark depended on Jaemin a lot. He was way too attached to the younger male and he did not know how to live without him. Yet he had to learn to pick himself up, piece by piece, and put himself back together because there was no one else to do it for him. He pushed everyone away and shut them all out, refusing to let them in and help him. He would rather be alone.

But Donghyuck was persistent and he managed to break his walls down. His childhood friend was there for him every time he felt low, every time he thought of Jaemin, every time he wondered where Jaemin was, every time he wished that Jaemin was right next to him, every time he needed a listening ear. He wallowed himself in misery and he did not know how to deal with the grief. It was crushing him and he felt no will to live. But Donghyuck was there through it all. He was the one who helped him through everything and Mark honestly believed that he would not make it without his best friend.

Of course, his parents noticed the change in him. They were concerned, especially since he was frequently absent from school and preferred to lock himself in his room. That was why they sent him to therapy, in hopes that it would help him to deal with the loss. The psychologist diagnosed him with major depression after he slit his own wrist, thinking that the physical pain would distract him from the emotional pain. Honestly, Mark did not think he was depressed. He was just a hormonal teenager who just lost the person he loved. It was simply a phase in his life that he had to get through.

That was when he finally ended up in the final stage: burying all the pain and memories deep inside his head, never to retrieve the information ever again. It took a long time but he slowly got better. His friends knew better than to mention Jaemin’s name in front of him again. No one even spoke a word about the younger male. It was as if he had never existed and Mark had decided to forget about him. In his mind, there was a tomb for Jaemin and he intended to make sure that Jaemin remained buried.

Without Jaemin in his life, he felt empty. It was like he had lost all feelings and the only thing that was left was numbness. He did try dating when he just entered college but it was a relationship that suffocated him and he quickly ended it. It was not until he met Yukhei that he felt alive once again.

Being with Yukhei was easy yet it was dysfunctional in a way. Yukhei was everything he was not. Yukhei had always been open with his feelings and opinions. He did not shy away from crowds, nor did he ever hide anything from Mark. However, Mark was the complete opposite. He refused to share personal stuff about himself to Yukhei unless he was asked to. He was guarded and even though he knew that he could trust Yukhei, a part of him felt like the latter would leave him someday. Just like Jaemin did, all those years ago. It was a fear that he had never voiced out to anyone because Na Jaemin was a subject that should never be broached again.

Although it was a little bit dysfunctional, Mark was happy and content with Yukhei. Yukhei was understanding most of the time. There were, of course, times when the two of them had a misunderstanding or got into petty fights. But they always managed to come to a compromise. Most importantly, Yukhei was not Jaemin in any way. Mark did not think that anyone could ever come close to be who Jaemin was because the younger male was complexed beyond words. No one could comprehend him, not even Mark.

So, yes, he was doing well without Jaemin. Just imagine his surprise when Na fucking Jaemin came back into his life six years after he disappeared without a word.

At that time, Mark and Yukhei had recently graduated from college. They decided to live together in an apartment that they both bought with instalment using their hard-earned money, refusing to ask for money from their parents. Yukhei was a social worker for orphans and problematic youths, a beginning to achieve his big dream, whereas Mark just launched his career as a writer. It was not perfect but it was just nice for him.

It was a Thursday night when Jaemin rang the doorbell to their apartment. At first, none of them had opened the door because they did not recognise who he was. When Mark peeked at the peephole, the person that he saw was hunched over with a hoodie covering his face. His right hand was clutching at the hem of his sweater tightly, covered in blood, while his other hand pressed the doorbell repeatedly in urgency.

Mark was afraid because the neighbourhood that they lived in was not the safest one out there, considering the fact that the two of them could only afford a cheap apartment as they just graduated out of college. Meanwhile, Yukhei was paranoid because he thought that it was a ploy to get them to open the door which would only end with them getting robbed instead.

It was not until the figure spoke pleadingly when they let him in. “Mark, please open the door. I need your help, fuck,” he whimpered.

Although it had been six years, Mark could still recognise that voice. Even a thousand years later, he would know whose voice it belonged to. How could he not, really, when this was the person he used to be in love with during his teenage years?

Yukhei raised his eyebrow at Mark quizzically but the latter did not clarify. Instead, he unlocked the front door and Jaemin dashed inside and doubled over, still clutching his stomach. He whimpered softly in pain.

“What kind of trouble have you gotten yourself into this time around?” Mark asked tightly as his face hardened at the sight before him. Jaemin looked up and for the first time in years, Mark saw his first love’s face and his heart ached. The younger male had matured over time. His face was even more beautiful than the last time Mark saw him.

He remembered how much he missed seeing him and now, six years later, when he was happily in a relationship with Yukhei, Jaemin came back. He should have known that Jaemin would _always_ come back, no matter how long he was gone.

“I was shot,” Jaemin gasped, breathless. Mark wanted to see him suffer more for all the pain and tears that he had caused him but Yukhei was kind enough to help the younger male to their couch, seeing that he was in a lot of pain. Mark followed them from behind, crossing his arms over his chest, trying to soothe himself.

There was a mixture of feelings and Mark could not dissect what exactly he was feeling currently. Everything was blurred and all he knew was that there was a bleeding man inside his apartment and this man used to be his high school sweetheart who broke his heart. He could not even react properly because the surprise was running high in his veins.

It was Yukhei who took charge of the situation. “Mark, can you bring a wet cloth and our first-aid kit, please?” he requested calmly.

Mark blinked blankly, still rooted in his spot.

Yukhei sighed. “Baby, he’ll die if we don’t stop the bleeding,” he said softly.

At that, Mark finally reacted. He quickly rushed to the kitchen to grab the things he needed. Then, he brought the items to the living room and set them down on the table. He watched as Yukhei ordered Jaemin, a total stranger to him, to relax and take off his sweater.

Mark took the initiative to help Jaemin as Yukhei opened the first-aid kit to take a tweezer. As soon as the sweater was off, Mark winced when he saw the wound on Jaemin’s stomach. He was shot on the left side and there was a bullet lodged inside. Unable to take in the sight in front of him, Mark excused himself as his throat closed up.

He ended up puking into the toilet bowl.

He wished he could vomit out all the mixed feelings inside of him too so that his thoughts would stop racing inside his head.

Mark leans against the black chair, wishing that he is anywhere but here right now. Hell, he would rather be trapped inside the damned grey walls of his cell with Johnny and talk about their fucked-up lives than being forced to put up with Donghyuck at this moment.

His old friend is flipping through a document in his hand. The prisoner knows what it says. The document is all about the reports written by the officers, based on the investigation conducted by the detectives in-charge of Yukhei’s murder. There are photos too. Photos of his lover’s dead body, of the gunshot wound to the right side of his head. Autopsy report says that he had died due to the wound. The bullet damaged his brain and he did not survive the shot.

The prisoner knows all of this because he had seen the photos when the detectives laid them all down on the table inside the room where he was being questioned. He ended up puking right after he saw the pictures.

Letting out an exasperated sigh, Mark finally opens his eyes and stares right at Donghyuck. “Why are you reading that?” he asks sullenly.

Donghyuck shrugs in response, not looking up from the document. Mark huffs in dissatisfaction at being ignored.

“I hope that your visit this time is not for me to babysit you while you read those reports,” he says as his voice is dripped with heavy sarcasm.

His best friend looks up to roll his eyes pointedly at the statement before going back to reading. Mark does not know how much time has passed as Donghyuck continues reading. He heaves a sigh of relief when he sees that his childhood friend has finally put the document down on the coffee table. The prisoner observes him for a moment, reading the expression that he has on his face.

Donghyuck looks perplexed. It is obvious that whatever he has read in the document baffles him greatly. He seems to be at loss for words.

“I was right, wasn’t I?” he says, at last, breaking the silence.

“What?” Mark replies, shooting him a blank look.

“I asked you the last time when I visited you if Jaemin was with you the day you killed Yukhei,” Donghyuck clarifies. “I was right about that, wasn’t I?”

Mark chooses to keep silence just like he did during Donghyuck’s last visit. As soon as Donghyuck sees that this is not igniting any response from the prisoner, his temper flares. Mark has to admit that it is probably frustrating if the tables were turned. If he were in Donghyuck’s shoes and Donghyuck were in his place, he would probably be exasperated too.

However, it is Mark who is sitting on the black chair, dressed in the dull grey prisoner clothes, and not Donghyuck. So, he does not empathise with his old friend’s situation at all. What would he understand, anyway?

“There were three different types of DNA found at the crime scene, Mark,” Donghyuck says quietly. “One of them belonged to you. Another one was Yukhei’s.” He pauses for a moment to look at Mark’s reaction but Mark makes sure to keep his face blank, not giving away what he is feeling. “The last DNA was unknown.”

“What makes you think it belonged to Jaemin?” Mark responds, finally.

Donghyuck snorts in disdain. “Who else could it be?”

“Alright,” Mark says, stretching his legs right in front of him. “Tell me your theory about what happened that day and I’ll tell you if you’re correct.”

His childhood friend perks up at that. It is the closest he has gotten to get Mark to tell him about what exactly happened that day. The details were non-existent in the reports because Mark had confessed to the killing after the autopsy results were out without describing the event. The police quickly concluded the investigation because it was getting too much media attention, especially since the killer was the son of a wealthy millionaire. A confession? Case closed.

“You know how Jaemin has always been possessive of you, even during our high school days?” Donghyuck asks rhetorically but Mark nods his head, anyway. “He was jealous because you were happy with Yukhei so he came to your apartment. It was not enough that he was your side guy and he wanted more. So, he asked you to kill Yukhei and you did because you’ve always been whipped for him.”

Mark looks at Donghyuck, studying his expression for a moment. Seeing that his childhood friend is serious about his theory, the prisoner immediately bursts into peals of laughter, unable to believe his ears.

“You’re ridiculous,” he tells Donghyuck, the traces of laughter are still audible in his voice.

Donghyuck gapes at him. “You and I both know that Jaemin’s capable of that,” he defends himself.

The prisoner snorts. “Donghyuck,” he says as patiently as possible, as if he is speaking to a small child who is unable to comprehend a word that he is saying. “You’ve underestimated Jaemin. He’s capable of _more_ than that. He’s fucking _insane_.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Your theory is shitty. Be more creative, why don’t you?” Mark answers with a mocking smile on his lips, almost as if he is laughing at a private joke.

Mark stared at the man on his and Yukhei’s couch for a moment, still processing everything that was happening. Yukhei had managed to pull the bullet out successfully and then sewed the wound close before wrapping a bandage around Jaemin’s body. Mark had, of course, refused to sit in the same room as them due to the excessive blood.

When everything was finally done, he came back to the living room, intending to demand answers from the person who disappeared from his life six years ago. His heart was pounding loudly against his ribs and his hands were cold and clammy. He did not know the appropriate reaction that he should be having right at this moment but he knew that he was not fine.

On one hand, he wanted to scream and yell at Jaemin’s face because of the pain he had inflicted on him, because of the tears that he had cried, because of the nights he was unable to sleep due to the fact that he missed him so much. On the other hand, his defence mechanism was trying to numb all the roar of emotions that surged inside of him just so he could tell Jaemin to get the fuck out of his life and not ever come back.

He did not do either one of those things, though. Instead, he just sat down on the other couch right next to the one that Jaemin was sitting on and studied the man in front of him closely.

“I should leave you two to talk,” Yukhei said quietly, trying to excuse himself.

Mark immediately grabbed his boyfriend’s wrist, preventing him from leaving. “No,” he protested. “Stay, please. Stay with me.”

Yukhei relented and sat right next to Mark. His presence was a source of comfort that Mark definitely needed. Besides, he wanted Jaemin to know that he had found someone else, that Jaemin did not mean anything to him anymore. Jaemin’s eyes visibly darkened as he drank in the sight in front of him, noting the interaction that the two lovers had, but he did not comment anything on it. Mark was grateful to him for that because he would kick him out immediately if his first love ever tried to claim him once again.

Then, Mark narrowed his eyes at Jaemin. “Explain,” he demanded coldly.

His first love leaned back against the couch he was sitting in and let out a soft sigh. “Can’t this conversation wait until tomorrow morning?” he asked softly. “It’s late.”

“No,” Mark returned. “Explain, Jaemin, or, _I fucking swear to God_ , that I’ll kick you out of my apartment right now and you can rot away in the streets and get shot again.”

If Yukhei was surprised by the mention of Jaemin’s name, he did not show it. He simply took Mark’s hand in his and squeezed it lightly. At this moment, Mark was so thankful for his presence in his life because he did not think he could handle this right now if Yukhei was not right next to him. He would break all over again.

Jaemin chortled quietly at the threat. It was not an empty threat and both of them knew it. In spite of that, Jaemin was mildly amused by it, Mark could tell. “Fine,” he agreed, at last. “What do you want me to explain, Mark? Where I’ve been for the past few years? How I got shot? How I knew your address?”

“Everything.”

Jaemin snorted. “You have no mercy on a man who just got shot and almost died,” he jabbed.

“You didn’t have mercy on me when you left without a word all those years ago,” Mark snapped back as his voice rose slightly.

His first love smiled sadly at that. “I’m sorry for that,” he apologised as his voice was laced with sincerity that Mark had rarely heard from him. “I don’t know where to begin, honestly.”

“The beginning is a good start,” Mark told him flatly. He was holding on to Yukhei’s hand very tightly. Although he did not voice out his anxiety, he knew that Yukhei could tell what he was feeling. It was a given, considering how long they had been together.

Jaemin looked at him with an unreadable expression on his face. Then, he heaved a long heavy sigh as if he was trying to relieve the burden on his shoulders. “I can’t tell anyone about this so you have to swear that you won’t tell anyone else,” he finally spoke up solemnly.

Mark did not say anything but he reckoned that his face conveyed everything that was going on inside his mind. Yukhei just gave a small nod, not wanting to interrupt the conversation.

“I got caught,” Jaemin began. “Six years ago, I got caught dealing with drugs by the police and I was under investigation. I was, like, what? Sixteen at that time. I was a minor and they thought that it would really be a shame if I was sent to juvie. So, they cut me a deal. More like my father coerced them to cut me a deal, actually.”

Mark could feel himself shaking as he heard the explanation. All those times when he wondered what had happened to Jaemin, all the questions that ran inside his head, all the rumours that had spread, everything was coming back to him in full force. The tomb where he buried his memories with Jaemin had been opened. All the memories were tumbling out, leaving him breathless.

“You see,” his first love went on, completely unaware of the effect he had on Mark. “The people I was dealing with to get my drugs were really dangerous people. I’m still dealing with the same people. I’m the informant on the inside to take down the biggest drug operation in South Korea. Initially, I thought it was going to be only a few months and then I’d come back to you but it’s been going on for six years now and I’m still stuck.”

“What about the gunshot wound?” Mark asked quietly, trying to keep his emotions under wraps. It still felt surreal to him how his first love was right here inside his living room after all these years apart.

At the question, Jaemin had a grave expression on his face. “I think they found out that I was the rat so they tried to kill me,” he replied, biting his lower lip. “We were making a deal in this area and then, someone shot me out of nowhere. I managed to run away and your place was the only nearest safe place I could get to.”

“Fuck,” Mark cussed out loud as his eyes turned wild when realisation dawned on him. He stood up shakily from the couch. “Fuck you, Jaemin. Fuck you.”

“Babe,” Yukhei intervened. “What’s wrong?”

Mark whirled around to face Yukhei frantically. “He just put you and me in danger too by coming here,” he told his boyfriend. Then, he glared at Jaemin. “You disappeared from my life without a word and then you came back only to put me and my boyfriend in danger? Fuck you, Jaemin.”

“Mark,” Jaemin called out softly.

“No, shut the fuck up,” he yelled as his voice trembled. He paced back and forth as his mind started racing with panicked thoughts. “You shouldn’t have come back into my life, you fucking asshole. You should’ve remained a ghost. You’re risking our lives just by being here. How the fuck did you even know where I live, anyway?”

Then, he came to a stop and glared at Jaemin menacingly once again. “Get out,” he seethed. “Get the fuck out of my apartment.”

“I–”

“ _Get out_.”

For a moment, no one said anything. The tension in the air was so thick and Mark felt like he could taste it on his tongue. He did not budge from his decision. He steeled his resolve. This man did not deserve an ounce of sympathy from him. After everything that Jaemin had done, he did not deserve any form of kindness from Mark. He had disappeared from Mark’s life for six years and only came back because he needed help, because he was dying. Donghyuck was right. Jaemin had always been _using_ him.

Jaemin did not say anything in response. Instead, he sat up on the couch, no longer leaning against it, and was about to get up when Yukhei stopped him.

“No,” Yukhei said, cutting the silence. “You may have your grievances with him, Mark, but I can’t let him go back out there. He might get killed.”

“I don’t care,” Mark shot back stubbornly. “He could die, for all I care. In fact, he’s _dead_ to me.”

“Babe,” Yukhei said gently. He stood up and wrapped his arms around Mark tightly. Mark tensed for a moment at the display of affection before gradually relaxing into the embrace. He closed his eyes and tried to calm himself down. “The right thing to do is to let him stay the night, at the very least, until the danger passes.”

Mark opened his eyes slowly and looked up at his partner with fondness. “Yukhei, you’re the sweetest person I’ve ever met, sometimes, even in uncalled situations,” he told him. Then, he relented, “Fine, but I’m not going to talk to him. You prepare everything he needs for tonight. I’m going to our room.”

He slowly unclasped Yukhei’s arms from his waist and was about to leave before a thought crossed his mind. He turned to look at his boyfriend. “Also, if we have gangsters banging on our doors and we end up dying, that’s on you,” he said. “Or maybe, I could just toss him outside to save our asses.”

With that, he went inside his shared room with Yukhei and shut the door.

“You didn’t mean it when you said that you didn’t care.”

Mark stopped dead in his tracks. It was ten in the morning and he was just leaving the kitchen after having breakfast. Yukhei was long gone from the apartment as he had to report to work early that day. He assumed that Jaemin had left their apartment because it was already the next day. He was not prepared to see his first love once again after last night.

Unfortunately, his assumption was false because Jaemin was still right here. Mark turned around and saw that Jaemin was leaning against the wall of the kitchen’s entrance with his arms crossed. He had a familiar smirk on his face that Mark really wanted to wipe off of him. He scowled.

Deciding not to give Jaemin the satisfaction of getting an answer from him, Mark was about to return to his room when Jaemin spoke up again, “If I were truly dead to you, you wouldn’t have opened the door for me when I begged you to.”

Mark froze. His hands began to shake as anxiety ran high inside his bloodstream. “Fuck off, Jaemin,” he replied curtly.

Jaemin’s smirk grew wider as soon as he heard the response. Mark cursed himself for showing any reaction to him. He should have known better than to do that. In his right mind, he knew that he should quickly turn away and avoid this situation. Jaemin was a good manipulator and everyone knew that. Being in the same place with him was dangerous, especially when Mark still harboured some feelings for him.

“Admit it, Mark,” Jaemin drawled as he stopped leaning against the wall to come closer to Mark. “You still care for me.”

“I shouldn’t have opened the fucking door,” Mark snapped, clenching his fists and trying his best to keep his voice as controlled as possible. “Should’ve left you to die outside my apartment.”

His first love’s eyes twinkled with amusement as he clutched his chest dramatically. “You wound me, Mark,” he said teasingly.

“Not as much as _you_ wounded _me_ ,” he retorted, feeling slightly triggered.

Jaemin’s face turned serious as soon as the words left Mark’s lips. He put his hand down and stepped even closer to Mark, entering his personal space. “I didn’t mean to leave you,” he said softly as sadness pooled in his eyes.

Mark’s heart picked up the pace at the close proximity. He hated how much effect the younger male had on him. Even after six years, he was still affected by him. There was only one thing that had changed, though. He refused to let himself be used again. He had had enough. History would not repeat itself. He would make sure of that.

“How did you know my address?” Mark asked, pointedly changing the subject. He did not want to bring up the past because it would only serve to reopen his old scars that he had worked so hard to close in order to fully heal. He did not want to show Jaemin his weakness as it would only be used against him.

Thankfully, Jaemin did not press on the matter. An easy smile made its way to his lips as the serious demeanour that he wore faded. “I have my own resources,” he shrugged.

Mark snorted. Not many people knew his current address because he had just moved in a couple of weeks ago. In fact, he had not even told his parents the exact address as he was not ready for them to visit his shared apartment with Yukhei yet. The apartment still lacked a lot of furniture and there was a number of boxes that had not been unpacked.

The only people who knew about it were their circle of friends. Mostly because they were the ones who helped them with moving in. There were only two possible candidates: Donghyuck and Jeno. Ever since Yukhei asked him about who Jaemin was, Mark knew that his two friends had been contacted by his first love, despite how they both tried to keep it a secret from him. Mark had pretended not to know because he was not interested in talking to Jaemin again. He wanted to focus on what he and Yukhei had.

“Jeno told you, didn’t he?” he inquired, arching an eyebrow.

Jaemin’s smile grew wider but he did not affirm or deny it. Instead, he simply shrugged again. “It doesn’t matter,” he replied. “What matters is that I’m here and I need your help.”

Mark’s face darkened at that. “No,” he refused immediately without even listening to what Jaemin needed from him. He had promised himself not to be used again and he would damn well keep that promise. Jaemin was his past and he should remain as that. No more favours.

“Ah, that’s too bad,” Jaemin lamented. “Guess I’ll have to wait until Yukhei comes back and ask for his help instead. He’s the kind of person who can’t say no to people in need, isn’t he?” He was about to walk away when Mark stopped him.

“Leave Yukhei out of this,” Mark said darkly.

Jaemin turned to face him with another amused grin on his lips. Mark refrained himself from doing anything that he would regret such as punching his first love’s face just to get rid of that annoying grin. He hated it.

“I wonder, Mark,” Jaemin mused, “is the jealousy you’re feeling for me or Yukhei?” He tilted his head to the side slightly.

“It’s not jealousy. It’s protectiveness,” Mark shot back as he felt himself getting more irritated as seconds passed. He did not know how he did not realise it before, all those years ago, but Jaemin was absolutely infuriating.

“So, you wouldn’t feel jealous if I ever happen to make out with Yukhei?” he asked, tilting his head almost innocently. “Is that your fantasy? A threesome?”

Mark’s temper flared as soon as he heard what his first love said. Unable to restrain himself, he pushed Jaemin against the wall and pinned him there with his arm right below his neck. “One more crude joke and I swear I’ll call the police on you for sexual harassment,” he threatened.

Surprise flickered in Jaemin’s eyes but he did not say anything. The two of them just stared into each other’s eyes for a few moments. When Mark finally saw the surrender in Jaemin’s eyes, he backed off and put some distance between them. Jaemin remained in his spot.

“I’ll help you with whatever you need but, afterwards, we’re done,” Mark said quietly. “We’ll burn our bridge down. No strings attached. You’ll get out of my life and let me live with Yukhei peacefully. You won’t ever come back here or contact me and Yukhei again.”

Tension rose in the air as Mark waited for a response from the younger male. Jaemin simply studied Mark’s expression for a little while, as if he was weighing his options. Mark wished that he could read his mind because he had never been able to figure out what Jaemin was thinking, what his plans were. It would be easy to detect any sort of deceit if he could read Jaemin’s mind.

But that was not how it worked. Jaemin was the mind reader, not him. Jaemin was the one with the uncanny ability to figure people out easily and used them as he pleased because he was good at manipulating them into doing things that he wanted them to. Like, right now. Initially, Mark had not wanted to have anything to do with Jaemin. But his first love knew the right button to push: Yukhei. Fuck Jaemin, really, because as much as Mark hated him as of this moment, a part of his heart soared because it had been so fucking long since they had last had a conversation with only the two of them.

Then, finally, after what seemed like hours, Jaemin agreed, “Alright.” Then, he grinned wickedly. “No taking it back.”

“Fine. What do you need help with?”

“I need you to help me buy a gun,” Jaemin answered.

Mark sputtered in disbelief as his eyes widened almost comically. “You’re fucking kidding me!” he exclaimed, scandalised.

Jaemin stepped away from the wall to get closer to Mark. The grin was gone from his face, indicating that he was not pulling a prank or joking about this. “My life is in danger, Mark. At least, if the mafia ever comes for me again, I’d have a gun to protect myself with.”

Mark scowled. “Fuck you, Jaemin.”

“Yeah, well, you should. We’ve never had sex before.”

“Fuck off, Jaem!”

Jung Jaehyun is one of the most popular doctors among the prisoners. Mark knows this because all of his patients that he has had the chance to meet sing praises about him. It is hard not to like him. Jaehyun is a handsome man with a gentle dimpled smile that only serves to add on to his charms. He is immensely patient and understanding. No one has ever seen him lose his temper before. It is safe to say that he is well-liked here.

Honestly, Mark is grateful to have Jaehyun as his therapist. He does not think that he would ever feel secure enough with anyone else to open up to them. With Jaehyun, he knows that everything would be kept confidential. He trusts his therapist fully. He is the problem, not Jaehyun. He is the one having trouble with opening up to people, for some reason.

There is only one reason why he is sent to therapy sessions in prison. It is because of his previous record. He was diagnosed with major depression after Jaemin left. Although he had gotten better for the past few years before he was sentenced, the staff are concerned about his mental health, especially since he is the cause of Yukhei’s death. So, they have been scheduling therapy sessions for him as precaution.

The thing about Jaehyun is, he reminds Mark of Jaemin. Not in a bad way, though. No, Jaehyun is a much better person than Jaemin is. But they do share one thing in common: their ability to see through people and figure them out.

Mark has been in therapy for almost four years now and it is only recently when he begins to open up to his therapist. Sometimes, he wonders why Jaehyun still requests for him to come to therapy when he barely even talks about anything that matters. Sure, he drops hints about an unhappy childhood and abandonment issues here and there but barely enough. It is now that he gets it. Breaking down walls is not an easy thing to attain and Jaehyun is determined to get past all the walls that the prisoner has built over the years.

Today, Jaehyun’s patience is finally rewarded. The prisoner finally feels ready to talk about his biggest emotional trauma. So, he takes in a deep breath and lets it out slowly to calm his nerves. For some reason, he feels nervous. He has never spoken about this to anyone, not even his cellmate, not even Donghyuck, because it is something personal but he desperately needs to get it off his chest. He needs to find relief. He may not deserve it but he needs it.

Jaehyun, as per usual, is patient. He does not pressure Mark into talking. Instead, he lets the prisoner take his own time to ready himself.

After what seems like hours, Mark seems to have calmed down because he finally speaks up, “You asked me before whom I loved more: Yukhei or Jaemin?”

His therapist nods in affirmation.

Mark leans against the chair he is sitting on and sighs quietly. It takes a lot in him to talk about this. It is something he wants to bury deep inside himself. However, he thinks that it is time for him to sort his thoughts out. No more drowning himself in guilt or misery.

“I loved them differently,” he utters, at last. “Both of them brought different meanings to my life. It’s hard to gage whom I loved more.”

Jaehyun raises an eyebrow quizzically. It is obvious that he has no idea what Mark is talking about. It is not surprising. Mark is messed up in ways that other people are not and he doubts that a normal person like his therapist would be able to understand the way his mind works.

“Jaemin is my first love. He is the first person I’ve ever fallen in love with. Up to this day, I still feel something for him, even though I can’t exactly say that it’s love. I mean, yeah, it’s probably a form of love. Donghyuck is disgusted because he thinks that I’m still in love with Jaemin but I don’t really think that’s the case,” Mark says the thoughts he has been having inside his head out loud. It feels refreshing to hear it coming from his mouth. It makes everything even more real.

“If it’s not exactly love that you feel, then, what do you feel for Jaemin now?” his therapist inquires.

Mark shrugs noncommittally. “I don’t know,” he answers. “Perhaps, it’s the lingering feelings that I have for him. Or maybe, it’s simply attachment. Definitely not love, though. I used to care for him a lot once upon a time and he still has a huge effect on me. It’s hard not to, honestly, when he used to be the person I regarded as my whole world.”

“But you cheated on Yukhei with him,” Jaehyun states, puzzled.

The prisoner smiles bitterly in response. “Jaemin is the epitome of a storm. He’s a mess. Everything about him is messy and it is best to avoid him, if you ever come across him. He lives his life to the fullest, never afraid of anything. He’s the most carefree person I’ve ever known. And just like a storm, when he comes into your life, he’ll change your life in ways that you’ve never thought possible but it would only be for a short while because he goes away quickly, never staying in one place. He turned my life upside down, doc.”

“In what way?”

“I’ve never thought that I was capable of falling in love until I met him,” Mark replies in a soft tone. He has a dazed look in his eyes as he thinks about the times that he spent with Jaemin before the latter revealed his true colours to everyone. Sometimes, when he closes his eyes, he wishes he could go back to before when he was happy and blissful.

“He made me feel alive because he was unpredictable,” he continues. “I’ve never been able to foresee what he’s about to do. I’ve never understood the way his mind works. But I was so in love back then. First love, you see. They say that your first love is the hardest to forget because everything is new to you. I’d do anything for him, honestly.”

“What kind of person is he, Mark?” Jaehyun asks as he rests his hands on his table, looking directly at the patient.

The prisoner looks back at his therapist as he keeps silent for a little while. Then, he snorts. “To put it simply, he’s a horrible person,” he answers bluntly. “He’s manipulative and absolutely fucking crazy. He’s very possessive. Deep down, he’s just another broken child from a dysfunctional family. Only that he lacks empathy. He doesn’t care much about people except for himself. I just happen to be one of the few things that he cares about, unfortunately.”

Jaehyun nods as the features of his face show that he is very much intrigued by the description of Na Jaemin. “What about Yukhei, then? You said you loved them both differently.”

Mark pauses at the mention of Yukhei. He closes his eyes as the image of Yukhei is conjured up inside his mind. He thinks of his past lover, _his sweet, sweet Yukhei_. He feels a lump in his throat and he tries his best to swallow it down but he fails to do so. The waterworks are about to start and he absolutely loathes how he tends to get emotional whenever he talks about Yukhei with his therapist.

Slowly, he opens his eyes and looks at Jaehyun with a sad withdrawn expression on his face. “Yukhei was…” he trails off, unable to form the words. He takes in a shaky breath and smiles weakly. Jaehyun nods, urging for him to go on.

“With Yukhei, I felt safe, secure and warm,” Mark says in a soft tone as his eyes visibly well up. “He made me want to become a better person, even though I ultimately failed.” He lets out a bitter chuckle at that before sniffing. For the first time ever, he sees understanding in Jaehyun’s eyes. All this time when he talks, Jaehyun merely listens but he does not comprehend the complexity that Mark is. This time around, it is different. Perhaps, it is because they have a common ground: love.

“Why did you cheat on him, then?” Jaehyun inquires gently. There is no judgement in his voice. His question is not because of curiosity. Nor it is because he wants to understand something that he could not accept. It is what it is: a question posed to answer what does not add up.

The prisoner sighs quietly. He has not forgiven himself for hurting Yukhei. He does not think he would ever be able to forgive himself after everything that he has done to the person he once loved with the whole of his heart. He wonders if it is too far-fetched to say that he still loves Yukhei, even after all these years.

“Jaemin came back into my life after he left without a word,” Mark told his therapist as the tears have finally dried up. “He was always getting into trouble, you see. So, he came back and asked me for help.”

“And you helped him,” Jaehyun states.

Mark nods in affirmation. “I didn’t want to,” he says softly. “I mean, yeah, a part of me missed him a lot and I wanted closure, at the very least. I wasn’t in a good place at that point of time, doc. I was stressed out, after everything. Yukhei and I just graduated from college and we moved in to a new apartment so we could live independently. It was a new stage in life and I was trying to keep myself together but Jaemin showed up.”

The prisoner pauses for a moment as he tries to regain his composure. The memories have always been playing inside his mind but speaking them out loud makes everything feel more real. It makes the fact that Yukhei is dead a reality that he has to face, that he can no longer run away from. He has spent a lot of time thinking, thinking and more thinking and it is simply time to stop. It is time to face facts. He deserves to suffer for everything that he has done.

“After I helped him, he was supposed to be gone from my life,” Mark whispers quietly, as if he fears someone else is eavesdropping on their conversation. His eyes flicker towards the recording device that is on top of Jaehyun’s table. He wonders what his therapist has done to all the previous recordings. Maybe, after some time, they would be deleted.

“But he wasn’t gone?” Jaehyun prompts as soon as he sees that the prisoner is distracted momentarily from his train of thoughts.

“Far from gone,” Mark replies. “Every time I was alone with him, it felt like there was unresolved tension between us and, at that point of time, I still loved him a lot. I loved Yukhei but I missed Jaemin. He was my world once, a long time ago, but the feelings were still there. And Jaemin had always been manipulative. I’m sure he still is. He always gets what he wants eventually and he’s always made it clear that he wants _me_. So, when we were left alone because Yuta–”

“Who’s Yuta?” Jaehyun interrupts, arching an eyebrow at the mention of somebody unfamiliar.

Mark freezes as soon as he realises that he has uttered something that he should not have. “He was just someone that could help us with what Jaemin needed help with,” he answers carefully, afraid that he might slip up again, after a short moment of silence. Jaehyun does not say anything else thankfully. So, he decides to go on.

“Jaemin kissed me and I wanted more. So, I cheated on Yukhei. I slept with Jaemin because I never had the chance to, back then, when we were young. I wanted every single piece of him while I could still get it because I had never been able to have him. It was as if I was finally getting what I deserved from him, like he was finally letting me claim him as mine, keeping the promise that he made before he left,” Mark reminisces quietly.

Every word that leaves his mouth hurts him as it should. He deserves this for hurting Yukhei, the most precious being in the world.

“I was selfish back then because I took what I wanted. I didn’t give myself completely to Yukhei or Jaemin. But the two of them gave me their all. And I took and took and took because it made me feel powerful, it made me feel loved, it made me feel so fucking alive. I was drunk on love and power because Jaemin knew I was in love with Yukhei and it fucking _killed_ him to know that he was not my first priority anymore whereas Yukhei would always let me come back to him, no matter what. He could see it in my face. He could smell it on my clothes. I could see the pain in his eyes, I could see the way he tried his best to pull himself together, I could almost taste his misery on my tongue and I fucking loved it because I loved him. I loved him so much and it was nice to know that there was someone who would accept me for who I was, no matter how badly I fucked up. It was selfish and screwed up and I hate myself for it.”

Mark peers up to look at Jaehyun, feeling frightened of what he might see in his therapist’s face. It is the first time he has ever voiced out the messy fucked up thoughts and feelings that he harbours. However, Jaehyun keeps his face blank, devoid of any emotion. The understanding is gone from his eyes. Of course, someone normal like Jaehyun is unable to relate to what Mark feels.

“The guilt eventually caught up to me,” the prisoner utters, after a few moments. “I couldn’t go back home after I fucked Jaemin and pretend that I didn’t see how red Yukhei’s eyes were. Yukhei could barely even look at me in the face but he never once confronted me about it because the pain was killing him deep inside. It killed him because it wasn’t that I didn’t love him. It wasn’t like I mistreated him just because I had Jaemin. I pretended like everything was normal between us and would be how I usually was around him. It killed him because I loved him a lot and yet I cheated on him, anyway.”

His therapist still has an unreadable expression on his face. Mark is unable to read Jaehyun but he knows what a normal person’s reaction would be: disgust and repulse. But Mark is his patient and Jaehyun is not here to judge him for his sins. Jaehyun is not God, nor is he a priest who listens to confessions. Mark hates to do this to someone he actually gets along with, someone he trusts. He has never intended to open up to Jaehyun but the visits from Donghyuck are getting to his head and he needs to let it all out, somehow. Jaehyun is the only means that he has. There is always Father Moon but he refuses to let a holy man know what kind of person he truly is. He would rather put up that same façade he has been wearing in front of the priest. With Jaehyun, at least the therapist could try to understand from a psychological point of view.

Mark has learnt Jaehyun’s tendencies over the past few years. He knows that whenever his therapist is silent on a particular subject, it is because it is something that renders him speechless, something that baffles a normal human being with mental and emotional stability. Right now, Jaehyun is struggling to put on his therapist persona. After all, it is hard to listen to the thoughts of fucked up people.

“You asked me whom I loved more, didn’t you, doc?” Mark asks rhetorically in a light tone. He smiles bitterly to himself. “I loved them differently, like I told you. But it all came down to the feelings I loved more and I sure as hell loved being with Yukhei more than Jaemin. Yukhei was stable and sturdy while Jaemin was unpredictable. I’d rather spend the rest of my life with someone I knew would be there for me instead of someone who would come and go.”

“So, you ended it with Jaemin?” Jaehyun finally breaks his silence.

The prisoner keeps the bitter smile on his face as he nods. “Yeah, I did,” he affirms. It is then a sudden surge of anger bursts inside of him as the smile fades away into nothing. He can feel it running through his veins, spreading like fire when it comes in contact with fuel. “I _did_ ,” he repeats as his voice shakes. He looks into Jaehyun’s eyes directly as the anger blazes inside of him. “And he was supposed to be fucking gone from my life. That was the deal, you see. We were supposed to burn our bridges down with no strings attached after I already helped him buy that stupid fucking gun–”

“You helped him buy a gun?” Jaehyun asks sharply, almost like it is something that he is unable to control. The surprise is evident on his face and Mark can hear the wheels running inside his therapist’s mind, fitting the pieces of the puzzle together. Mark immediately keeps his mouth shut, not wanting to reveal anything else.

“Mark,” Jaehyun says gently, toning his voice down, when Mark does not say anything in response. “Was it the gun that you used to kill Yukhei?”

Mark’s blood runs cold. His face pales.

“Let’s end the session for today, doc,” he says, after a few moments of silence.

 _Fuck_.

Surprisingly, it is Johnny who figures it out first. It is an insult, really, because Johnny has only known him for almost four years, a duration much lesser than the ones he considers as his best friends. They should have known better, honestly. Sadly, they have no idea about this at all, although Donghyuck is getting close to the truth.

Mark has always kept it under wraps, always careful not to let anyone dig in too deep. He dodges the questions that have been thrown into his way. Hell, he even refused to speak a word to his mother regarding the incident. Even Donghyuck’s poor attempt of figuring out what happened had been avoided successfully. It is something that he plans to bring with him to his grave. He has to pay for everything that he has done, after all. This is his atonement.

Today is Tuesday so it means that it is their turn to hack woods for the elderly in the afternoon. Mark, as usual, chooses the same spot as Johnny, not wanting to mix with the other convicts. Johnny is his safe haven here and being around him ensures that he would not be disturbed. The rest of the convicts know enough to leave the two of them alone. Even the guards leave them be, partly because of Johnny’s influence outside of the walls. It is widely known that one of the guards here mysteriously died after messing with Johnny deliberately. Mark asked the older male about it before but the latter merely shrugged and wiggled his brows as an answer.

Today is a quiet day. Although Johnny speaks a lot, he tends to become focused when it comes to working. So, they usually spend their Tuesdays in silence, hacking woods without exchanging words unless necessary. It is a good kind of silence. It helps Mark a lot, especially since he has to concentrate on the axe in his hand, fearing that he might accidentally drop it. His maximised concentration successfully ceases the incessant thoughts inside his head and the silence is nice for a change. Peaceful, even. Tuesday is his favourite day of the week because of the tranquillity that it gives him.

However, unexpectedly, Johnny breaks the unspoken Tuesday rule for the first time ever. Today, he is barely doing any work and chooses to stare at Mark with a thoughtful look on his face instead as he sits down on the ground. Of course, the guards let him do whatever he wants. If not for his connections to the mafia, he would definitely have gotten yelled at by the guards and told to ‘get his ass up and start working’.

Mark has learnt to ignore his cellmate’s antics by now, too used to the randomness, and continues to hack the woods diligently. Just as he is about to swing the axe after making sure his aim is accurate, Johnny says casually, “You didn’t do it, did you?”

The younger male pauses mid-swing. Confusion fills him as he lowers down his axe, still holding it in his hand. “What?” he replies, feeling puzzled.

“Your boyfriend,” Johnny explains briefly, tilting his head to the side as he studies Mark’s reaction. Mark immediately fidgets under his cellmate’s scrutiny, not liking the way it makes him feel small. “You didn’t kill Yukhei.” It is a statement. Not a question. Something that Johnny is absolutely certain of with no doubt, Mark can tell.

“What makes you think so?” Mark responds softly, not wanting anyone else to overhear their conversation. He places the axe down on the ground and wipes his sweaty hands on his pants.

His cellmate grins victoriously at the response he has gotten. The excitement is evident on his face. He is absolutely thrilled by this. “I know people, Mark,” he boasts, smirking. “My life as a member of the mafia has caused me to meet a lot of people. I’ve seen murderers, thieves, rapists, pimps, prostitutes, addicts, scumbags of the earth and almost all types of scumbags there are in this world. I’ve watched them, observed their habits; what they do when they get nervous, happy, sad, angry. I studied their behaviours and I know a scumbag when I meet one.”

Then, he stands up and dusts his pants off before coming closer to Mark from where he is standing a few feet away. Johnny looks directly into the younger male’s eyes. “You, my friend, are not a murderer,” he concludes in a serious tone, indicating that he truly believes so.

Mark feels the colour drain from his face as soon as he hears those words come out of his cellmate’s lips. He opens his lips to respond but no words come out of his mouth. He has no idea what there is to possibly say. He feels exposed, as if Johnny has stripped him naked and every part of him is out there for the world to see.

He spent the last four years, trying his best to cover this up. To hear his secret being spoken out loud makes him feel anguished. Tears spring to his eyes and he forces himself to blink them away. Curiosity sparkles in Johnny’s eyes as the older male continues to stare into his eyes.

Of all the people in this world, Mark has never expected that it would be Johnny who figured it out first. He could barely even watch gory movies without puking his guts out. He could not even look at a large amount of blood without feeling like fainting, much less _murder_ someone. But he did kill Yukhei in a way that did not require physical force.

“If you didn’t murder Yukhei, Mark,” Johnny pauses for dramatic effect, “who did?”

Mark averts his gaze and picks up his axe, choosing to keep mum. He can feel a headache coming. He wonders if the guards would slip him some painkillers again.

Guilt eventually caught up to him.

It had been almost a month since the fateful night when Jaemin had sought them out for help as he was bleeding to death right in front of the door to their apartment. During the past month, Mark had kept his word and helped Jaemin to buy a gun. It was not an easy task, honestly. It was very much complicated and he regretted agreeing to it.

First, they had to look for an IT genius who could relocate their IP address to another place every few seconds in order to avoid being discovered. After all, they had to dive deep into the dark web to purchase a gun. It was the easiest way, Jaemin had said. It was illegal but, at the very least, he would feel much safer with a gun in his possession and buying it through legal ways would require even more hard work.

After about a week, they managed to find a man named Nakamoto Yuta who was willing to help them in exchange for a few thousand US dollars that Mark had not bothered to find out the exact amount. He did not even know where Jaemin got all his money from and would rather remain ignorant of the fact. It was better that way. He refused to get even more involved in his first love’s mess.

Yuta was an eccentric man. He had a sharp tongue and would not hesitate to tell them off whenever they started arguing. It was hard not to argue when Mark still harboured a lot of ill feelings towards Jaemin. It was inevitable, especially since the latter left without so much of a goodbye.

Despite the arguments, Mark had to admit that there was some kind of sexual tension between them. The feelings had never faded away. Sure, over time, Mark had learnt to bury his feelings deep inside of him, never to be uncovered again. But seeing Jaemin once again had ignited the flames that had burnt out. Even Yuta could sense the sexual tension because he always told them to fuck it out whenever things got too intense.

That was how everything started. Their arguments eventually led to something more. It happened when both of them were too riled up until Jaemin had pushed him against a wall and pressed his lips firmly against Mark’s. The latter, of course, attempted to push the younger male away but he eventually gave in when Jaemin refused to budge.

How could he not, really, when he truly missed the feeling of Jaemin’s chapped lips on his? It was a feeling that he yearned for every night when he went to bed back during his teenage years. The kiss made him feel like he was sixteen once again and Jaemin was still holding his heart in his bloody scarred hands carelessly, always on the verge of dropping it.

Their first time was rough, probably because they were impatient. It had been so long since they last touched each other and if Mark had to be honest, he craved for Jaemin’s touch. They had never had sex together before as teenagers so it was a new experience for them. Mark loved the careless way he treated Jaemin during their first time, as if the younger male was merely an object that he could use to release his sexual desires. Jaemin had let him _use_ him; it was his way of manipulating, really.

It got addictive. The touches, the excitement, the arguments that still occurred, the sex and everything that was Na Jaemin were like drug to Mark. If Jaemin was addicted to drugs and cigarettes, Mark was definitely addicted to Jaemin and the sweetly toxic taste of his lips on his, his burning touches, his rough treatment of Mark every time he topped.

Jaemin loved bringing Yukhei up whenever they fucked because he knew that it would make Mark feel guilty. He enjoyed reminding Mark that the latter already had a boyfriend but was now busy fucking another guy. Was Yukhei not enough? Yukhei would never be as good as he was, Jaemin had said. Yukhei would never be able to make Mark feel the way Jaemin did. Jaemin brought out the worst in him, his carnal desires; raw and honest. No barriers, no limits, nothing. It was exciting, a rollercoaster ride, all in all, and the toxicity made him feel alive.

A lot of people had asked Mark why he cheated on Yukhei when he was in love with his boyfriend. It was illogical, something that they could not comprehend. When you loved someone, you wouldn’t intentionally hurt them, they said. But Mark had always been fucked up from the inside. It was a fact that he had known as soon as he let Jaemin into his life. He was fucked up in ways no one had ever thought he was capable of.

Sure, he did love Yukhei but he wanted to have a taste of his first love. He wanted to hurt Jaemin because of the pain he felt all those years ago when the latter left. He wanted Jaemin to pay for what he did. And it did. It annoyed him to no end to know that Mark belonged with someone else and Jaemin was his other man, the side hoe.

Yukhei was merely a collateral damage. It was a war between him and Jaemin and Mark regretfully had dragged him into it. It was the best month of his life, honestly. The dysfunctional fights, the fucking, the thrill of doing something illegal. There was once when Jaemin had convinced Mark to try smoking weed and he relented. Fucking while being high was a new level of pleasure. It was the best fuck of his life, if he had to be honest.

His selfishness was the one that brought him down and he deserved it. He finally came down from his high when their deal was slowly coming to an end. Mark did not think he could continue with whatever they had because he already had Yukhei. Jaemin was his past and Mark would rather spend the rest of his life with Yukhei than Jaemin. Yukhei was stable, a safe haven, meanwhile, Jaemin was unpredictable.

So, on the day Mark collected the gun that he bought under his name from Sicheng, a guy Yuta had contacted through the dark web, he decided to end it. Jaemin could not collect it because his face and name were already marked among underground people, hence, it was Mark’s job to deal with the seller. He knew he had to stick to the original plan. No strings attached after the gun was bought.

Besides, the guilt had caught up to him. He could no longer bear seeing the pain in his lover’s eyes. It affected him in ways he never thought was possible. He loathed himself for hurting Yukhei, the sweetest person ever. However, he did not regret everything that he had done. Jaemin deserved it. For hurting him, for leaving him without saying anything, for coming back into his life, for being a little shit, Na Jaemin deserved every single ounce of pain that Mark had inflicted on him. Sure, Yukhei might not have deserved to be dragged into their mess but Mark did not regret a single thing.

After ending it with Jaemin, Mark had decided to get some space away from everyone. So, he went to the nearest beach to get his peace of mind. He needed time to think and, most importantly, heal. The scars that Jaemin left behind were reopened and he knew that he had to sew them back again. He had to let go of his first love, of his past, of his desires, of his feelings. Yukhei deserved the best version of Mark.

When he came home to Yukhei, Mark swore that he would come clean and apologise as sincerely as he could. He would give his all to his lover. No more holding back. A huge burden had been lifted up from his shoulders.

He did not know how long he had stayed at the beach, having lost track of time being too deep in his thoughts. At long last, when the sun was about to set, he stood up to go back home. It would be a new start for them, away from his dysfunctional past.

“You didn’t kill Yukhei,” Donghyuck states as soon as Mark steps inside the consultation room. As usual, he is seated on the same black chair.

Mark looks at his old best friend, feeling alarmed. The surprise is evident on his face because Donghyuck has caught him off guard this time around. The younger male looks triumphant and, at that moment, Mark really hates Donghyuck’s ability to read him.

“What’s your theory this time around?” Mark asks as he remains rooted near the door. The thing about Donghyuck’s visits is that Mark is unable to decide the duration of it because Donghyuck is a special visitor. The guards would only come to get him when the cop lets them. So, as much as Mark really wants to escape from this confrontation, he is unable to do so. He curses Donghyuck inside his head.

Donghyuck has not said anything yet. Instead, he kicks the chair in front of him, motioning for the prisoner to sit down. Seeing that he has no other choice, Mark trudges slowly towards the chair. Then, he sits down wordlessly, praying that God would have mercy on him by ending his life right there and then in order to avoid this conversation.

However, it seems like God has not heard his prayers because he finds that he is still able to breathe. He almost wants to laugh in irony to himself. Does he really expect God to have mercy on him when he had none for Yukhei? He knew what he was doing back then and yet, he still did it, anyway. Perhaps, this is God’s way of punishing him.

Mark could almost hear Father Moon’s voice inside his head, telling him to forgive himself in order to purify his heart. Honestly, Mark thinks that it is useless. He is already fucked up beyond repair, so what is the use of purifying his heart? At the end of the day, the fact that he hurt the person that he loved deeply still remains. Forgiveness? Never.

The prisoner snaps back to reality when he hears Donghyuck speak up, “There were three types of DNA found at the crime scene.” Mark does not say anything to affirm it. It does not deter his old best friend, though, because he just keeps going. “We still haven’t managed to find a match for it but I’m ninety-nine percent sure that it belongs to Jaemin.”

“You’ve mentioned this to me before,” Mark replies flatly.

Donghyuck smiles his infuriating smile. It is the smile that Mark wants to wipe off his face because he knows that his impending doom is about to happen. It is inevitable. This war between them is not over until Donghyuck has come out of it as the winner. Sure, Mark has won the previous battle but winning a battle is a far cry from winning the war.

“Well, I haven’t told you another thing yet,” Donghyuck says, grinning mysteriously.

Mark raises his eyebrow.

“I’m going to reopen your case,” the cop tells him.

If this were a totally different person, perhaps, they would rejoice at the news. Hell, if Mark had not chosen to go to prison voluntarily, he would be really grateful for this. But things are different and Donghyuck is meddling in his affairs that he has no business in.

“No,” Mark snaps.

His old best friend gapes in disbelief. “Excuse me?” he exclaims, obviously offended.

“Don’t reopen the case,” Mark says. His face shows that he is very much serious about this request.

Donghyuck crosses his arms over his chest defensively. “There were three types of DNA found yet the third one was never matched. Your written confession was merely ‘I confessed to killing Wong Yukhei in our shared apartment on the night of 23rd September 2022’. You didn’t tell a single detail of how you did it. The authorities caved in because this case received so much attention and were pressured to pin the blame on the easy scapegoat. Something doesn’t add up so I’m going to reopen the case and investigate it myself,” he tells Mark in his best no-arguments-allowed tone.

However, Mark’s face darkens at that. “For the love of God, Donghyuck, don’t do it,” he says tiredly, wringing his hands in front of him. “You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into.”

The cop’s eyes flash with anger. “Jaemin killed Yukhei, didn’t he?” he accuses. “He killed your boyfriend and you took the rap for him because, news flash, you’re _still_ in love with him until now.”

Having had enough, Mark stands up from his chair. “If you’ve ever cared at all about me, if you’ve ever loved me like a brother, as a best friend, for the love your mother once had for me, for all the times I had your back, for all the days you helped me up when I was down, don’t reopen the case, Hyuck,” he says as his tone rises. Tears spring into his eyes. Unable to blink back the tears, the waterworks soon stream down his cheeks.

Donghyuck does not say anything, probably stunned by the sudden outburst. “Mark,” he calls out softly. The prisoner does not reply. Instead, the older of the two males sits down once again and covers his face with his hands to hide the tears.

Mark continues to sob into his hands as all the feelings that he has been holding back finally come crushing him. The grief for Yukhei’s death, the guilt for hurting him, the pain of losing the love of his life, the emptiness, the asphyxiating _regrets_. Fuck regrets. Denial. All this time, he has always been in denial. He refuses to feel because, then, he would break down and never be able to get back up because he has lost everything; his brother, his lover, his parents and his friends. What has he had left to live for? For himself? No, that could not be it because he has always hated himself for being who he is, for being fucked up. Living for himself is meaningless. He might as well just jump off a building instead.

Suddenly, a pair of arms wraps themselves around the prisoner. Mark lets out a soft whimper. He is reminded of all the times Donghyuck was there for him when he was broken. Even now, he is still here.

“I want to clear your name, Mark,” Donghyuck whispers softly. “I want the world to know that my best friend isn’t a murderer.”

“Why are you doing this?” Mark mumbles as his voice breaks a little towards the end of the sentence. He leans into his best friend’s warm embrace and tries his best to steady his breathing.

Silence hovers in the air for a few moments. Then, eventually, Donghyuck answers, “Because it was me who gave your address to Jaemin, not Jeno.”

“What?” Mark looks up from his hands.

Donghyuck closes his eyes briefly and takes in a deep breath before opening them. “I’m sorry,” he says earnestly. “Jaemin said he just wanted to see you from afar and see how you were doing. I thought that once he saw that you were doing well, he would leave you alone and finally move on with his life. I didn’t expect him to approach you.”

Listening to the explanation has made Mark’s tears to dry. He feels the familiar numbness begin to settle in as his mind works everything out, pieces the puzzle together. At the end of the process, Mark feels his stomach drop as realisation finally dawns on him. All this time…

 _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck_.

“This is my atonement, Mark,” Donghyuck says quietly. “Clearing your name is the least I could do.”

“No,” Mark says. “If you want to atone for what you did, bring Jaemin to me. Get him to visit me so we could finally talk it out.”

“But–”

“You want to atone for this, Hyuck?” Mark interrupts. “Me going to prison is my atonement for what I did to Yukhei. I may not have killed him physically but I still killed him deep inside, in a way. So, leave the case alone and get Jaemin here. That’s all I ask of you.”

Donghyuck does not say anything.

When Mark came home, he was in a good mood. He was ready to tell Yukhei everything, from A to Z, and Yukhei, being Yukhei, would eventually forgive him. Yes, Mark was certain that his boyfriend would definitely be upset and need space for a couple of days. But Yukhei loved him. Yukhei would not leave him and he swore he would be loyal from now onwards. He swore he would dedicate his time and love for Yukhei and only Yukhei, no one else. He was prepared to face it all.

What he did not prepare for, however, was to see Jaemin in his living room, twirling the gun that Mark had helped him buy with his finger. Yukhei was seated on the couch, motionless. His face lit up as soon as he saw Mark.

“Mark, leave the house and call the police,” he said with urgency as soon as Mark entered the living room.

Before his confusion could clear up, Jaemin stopped twirling his .44 Magnum and gripped it tightly in his hand. He pointed the barrel towards Yukhei’s head. “Take a step and I’ll shoot your boyfriend,” he threatened with a manic grin on his lips.

Mark immediately froze. He recognised the familiar grin. He knew that there was only one reason why Jaemin was acting this way. “You’re intoxicated,” he uttered.

“Wrong,” Jaemin sing-sang in a playful tone. “I’m fucking _high_.”

Mark winced at that. He looked at Yukhei who seemed nervous to be at gun point. Mark could only pray that Jaemin would not do anything rash. He had to talk him down. “Put the gun down and talk to me, Jaemin,” he ordered, not daring to move.

Knowing Na Jaemin, it would be hard to predict his next move, especially when he was high on substances. Jaemin was a scary person when he was drunk or high. Mark was suddenly reminded of the fight they had in their high school cafeteria and he grimaced when he remembered how it ended.

“Don’t drag Yukhei into this,” Mark chided. “This is between us so leave him out of this. You can point that fucking revolver at me, if you’d like, while we talk.”

Jaemin threw his head back and let out a loud chuckle, as if the idea itself humoured him greatly. Mark could feel his own heartbeat increase its pace as Jaemin came closer to Yukhei and locked him in a chokehold while pointing the muzzle of his gun with his other hand directly to his head, leaving no space in between.

“So, _now_ you want to talk to me?” Jaemin asked in a sarcastic tone. “Because your boyfriend’s life is in my hands?”

Mark gritted his teeth in irritation. He knew that Jaemin had always been psychotic but he did not know that it would come to this. “Leave Yukhei out of this,” he reiterated.

Jaemin smirked. “No,” he rejected the demand. “You were the one who dragged him into this the moment you decided to forget all about me and date someone else instead, _you fucking whore_.”

“He’s not a whore,” Yukhei defended him immediately.

In response, Jaemin tightened his hold around Yukhei’s throat, successfully shutting him up. “Oh, but he is,” he rebutted in delight. “Mark’s such a fucking whore. You should’ve seen him when I fucked him senseless. You know what I told him? I told him that he was a whore for letting me fuck him when he already had you. I even told him that he was a whore for not being satisfied with getting fucked by only one dick.” Jaemin’s smirk widened as his eyes landed on Mark to see his reaction. “He came so hard when I said that.”

Mark’s face flushed red at the explicit details. He could see the pain in Yukhei’s eyes as soon as he heard that. “Shut up, Jaemin,” he snapped, not wanting his boyfriend to hurt any longer.

“Well, you didn’t want me to shut up when you bent me over and fucked me on Yuta’s dining table so why should I shut up now?” he taunted.

“Because it’s fucking over,” Mark replied. A rare surge of anger took over him, then. He saw only red, having had enough of the torment Jaemin was inflicting on him and Yukhei. “It’s a part of our agreement, after all. After you’ve bought your gun, you agreed to leave us alone so fuck off.”

Jaemin tilted his head to the side slightly in a teasing manner and tutted. “I don’t think it’s wise to tell someone with a gun to fuck off, Mark,” he responded.

“So, you’re here to, what? Kill Yukhei? Just because I chose him over you?” Mark asked hotly as he clenched his fists. He wished that he was able to move forward but he knew that one wrong movement and Yukhei might die. He definitely did not want that.

The last sentence had caused the smirk to wipe off from his first love’s face. The playfulness was gone now and Jaemin had an unreadable expression on his face. For the first time since Mark knew him, he felt afraid of him. So much had changed and Jaemin was no longer the person Mark knew. What was Jaemin capable of?

“You’re _mine_ , Mark,” Jaemin said. It was not a question, nor was it a request. It was a simple statement with no arguments allowed. Mark absolutely hated the way he said it.

“No, I’m not,” he spat out in repulse. “I’m not your fucking property so you can stop acting like you own me when you don’t. You fucked up when you left me all those years ago. You should stay gone. I’m happy with Yukhei now so leave us alone, Jaemin. I did what you wanted. I helped you buy a gun to protect yourself from those people coming after you so keep your end of the deal.”

For the first time since Mark knew him, he saw anguish in his first love’s eyes. Jaemin was in _pain_ and Mark was almost gleeful about that, except for the fact that Yukhei’s life was still in the younger male’s hands.

“Why Yukhei?” he whispered softly as tears formed in his eyes.

Unexpectedly, Mark found himself blinking back his tears too as his heart sank. He hated that he had to do this. Sure, this started as a form of revenge and a way to quench his desires for all the days he was unable to claim Jaemin as _his_ back then but things had changed. They were not the same people they used to be. They were older now and they should go on their separate ways. Nothing good could come out of this.

“I love him,” Mark replied, looking directly into his boyfriend’s eyes, trying his best to convey all the words he wanted to say. Yukhei looked back at him with hopeful eyes. _You came back to me_ , his eyes seemed to be saying and Mark wanted to say ‘ _yes, I’m here, baby, I chose you and I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry for everything_ ’.

As if defeated, Jaemin let go of the hold he had over Yukhei. The Chinese male immediately rubbed his throat, trying to soothe it. Mark was just about to heave a sigh of relief but he held his breath, peering cautiously, when Jaemin opened the cylinder to his revolver. Then, he took out the bullets and let them fall to the floor.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Five bullets on the floor. There was one more bullet in the cylinder. Looking up, Jaemin smirked. He closed the cylinder and spun it around.

“What are you doing?” Yukhei asked warily. Even Mark did not know what his first love was up to.

“Let’s play a game,” Jaemin said as the manic grin returned to his lips. His eyes had a crazed look in them and Mark felt himself go cold at that. This was not someone he knew anymore. The Jaemin in front of him had completely changed and he could not recognise him anymore.

“Russian Roulette,” Mark whispered softly. “That’s what you’re suggesting, right?”

Jaemin’s grin widened as he seemed pleased with the guess. He motioned for Mark to come closer and Mark did. He took a couple of tentative steps towards the couch where Yukhei was sitting on but he did not make any move to sit next to his boyfriend, in fear of aggravating Jaemin.

“We’ll go one round. If we’re lucky, no one ends up dead,” Jaemin said.

“You’re crazy,” Yukhei told him in disbelief.

Jaemin scoffed at that. “Yes, I am,” he responded without missing a beat. “Mark knows that best. He knows how fucked up I am. He’s just the same, though.”

“No, he’s not,” Yukhei defended Mark once again. “He has his flaws but he’s not fucked up.”

Jaemin snorted. Then, he pointed the revolver to his head. Mark opened his mouth to tell him to stop but he was too late. Jaemin pulled the trigger and a click sounded. The youngest male in the room smiled. “Seems like luck is on my side,” he sing-sang. Then, he held the revolver, muzzle first, grip out, towards Mark. “Your turn.”

Seizing the opportunity, Mark quickly took the revolver from Jaemin, not wanting his first love to hold such a dangerous weapon any longer than he should. “Leave,” he told Jaemin firmly as soon as he made sure that the revolver was a safe distance away from the latter.

Jaemin laughed incredulously at that. As soon as his laughter subsided, he said, “I could leave right now and I promise you that I will continue to appear in your lives and harass you persistently until you leave Yukhei for me.” Then, he cocked his head. “Or you could play the game and, afterwards, I’ll leave you alone.”

Mark paused, weighing the choices inside his mind. He knew that Jaemin meant it when he said that he would continuously harass them. He was crazy enough to do it. But if he played the game, Jaemin would finally stop causing chaos in his life. It would be the end. He glanced at the revolver in his hand, considering it. One-fifth chance of the bullet being in the next chamber.

“Don’t you love it, Mark?” Jaemin whispered excitedly. “The danger, the thrill, the excitement, the anxiety, the risk. _The risk_ , Mark, _the fucking risk_. Knowing that it’s your own life that’s at stake and it all comes down to fate. Is it your turn to die today or do you still have another day to live?”

Mark felt his hand become clammy as his pulse raced. He slowly brought the revolver to his head. His heartbeat quickened and he could hear the blood rushing throughout his body as his heart pumped vigorously. It was funny how he felt empty for most of his life and yet, pointing a gun to his own head, not knowing whether he would make out of this alive or dead, was what made him feel the most alive. He had never felt that way before.

“Do you feel it, Mark?” Jaemin’s deep voice snapped him back to reality. “Do you understand the risk, the excitement and the fear?”

 _Yes_ , Mark wanted to say but he stopped himself as he did not want to give Jaemin the satisfaction of knowing that he was just as fucked up as the latter was, if not more. Closing his eyes, Mark took in a deep breath to calm his nerves. Twenty percent chance. It was low. He took the risk.

A click sounded.

Mark’s eyes flew open and he let out a huge sigh. The adrenaline was still rushing through his veins and he almost felt as high as he did when he tried smoking weed with Jaemin a few weeks ago.

“Seems like luck is on your side too,” Jaemin sing-sang. “Give it to your boyfriend, Mark. Let him have a taste of what you and I felt when we pulled the trigger.”

Mark hesitated. He looked up to study Yukhei’s expression. His boyfriend seemed strangely calm, as if prepared for what he was about to face. “I’ll take his place instead,” Mark said. “I’ll take the risk again. Just don’t get him involved in this. Please.”

“I can do it, Mark,” Yukhei chastised gently. He held his hand out for Mark to give the revolver to him.

Mark looked at Jaemin pleadingly. “Please,” he begged again. “Leave him out of this.”

“Give it to me, Mark,” Yukhei insisted.

Jaemin smiled. “You heard your man,” he shrugged.

Mark turned to look at Yukhei with fear in his eyes. He knew that he loved the feeling of being alive but he really did not want the person that he loved to take this risk. He was not willing to risk Yukhei’s life over his petty feud with Jaemin. He refused to do that. He would rather die than risk his lover’s life like this.

However, Yukhei’s hand was still stretched out at him as a determined frown etched itself on his forehead. He mouthed, “Twenty-five percent.”

Right. The chances had increased to twenty-five percent now. The probability was still quite low. Hesitantly, he placed the revolver on Yukhei’s hand. Without pausing, Yukhei immediately pointed the gun to his own head. He looked directly into Mark’s eyes as he did so. Mark wondered if he felt the same thing that he and Jaemin did when they were in his position. Probably not. Yukhei was normal, this would not make him feel alive and high.

“I love you, Mark,” Yukhei said softly. “I forgive you.”

Not waiting for Mark to reply, his boyfriend pulled the trigger. This time around, a loud bang resonated throughout the living room.

Mark felt his world fall apart.

Sometimes, Mark thinks about it. He thinks about what he would say if he ever comes across Jaemin face to face ever again. He wonders how he would react if he is in the same room with his first love. He has never been one to make a scene so he doubts that he would scream vulgarities at him for everything that he had done.

Mark remembers every detail of that night vividly. It is ingrained inside his mind, haunting him and not letting him forget how he caused his boyfriend’s death. After that fateful gunshot that ended Yukhei’s life, Mark remembers how he screamed and screamed and screamed as tears streamed down his cheeks endlessly. He remembers how there was blood everywhere. Blood on his hands as he cradled Yukhei’s head, blood on the couch, blood on the floor, red, red, red, that was all he saw through his blurred vision.

“ _You killed him, Mark_ ,” Jaemin had said accusingly as his features contorted in repulse. “ _You and your fucking whorish selfish ways_.”

At that point of time, he really wanted to yell back at Jaemin, saying that it was not him. He was not the one who suggested playing the dangerous game. He was not the one who coerced Yukhei into playing. He did nothing at all to cause his death. But, in a way, Jaemin was right. If he had not started anything at all with Yukhei, if he had not approached the Chinese male, if he had not fallen in love with him, if he had not chosen him over Jaemin, this would not have happened. The love of his life would still be alive by now.

He was selfish, back then. He tried to have both Jaemin and Yukhei at the same time when he should have let Jaemin go. He wanted a taste of his first love simply to fulfil the inner teen inside of him that longed for the familiar touch. He was so young back then and it traumatised him to be left behind just like that by someone he valued so he was bound to ache for what he had lost. He was selfish for not being able to set himself straight and ended up hurting both Yukhei and Jaemin. He should have known better than to hurt Jaemin. He knew Jaemin. A hurt Jaemin was not a pretty sight to see and Yukhei’s death was the result.

So, in a way, Jaemin was right. He did kill him. Thus, he confessed to the murder of Wong Yukhei, his boyfriend, and had spent the past four years of his life in prison.

This is the big secret that he has carried with him for the past few years. How could he explain why he had done what he did to those who asked? He had no answer for his mother so she turned him away. He kept mum when his friends demanded answers because he did not want them to know that Yukhei did it for him. That was why Yukhei took the risk.

Yukhei was not fucked up like he and Jaemin are. Yukhei had always been emotionally available. He was not closed off. He did not get off to danger and risks. That night, he played the game even though he would not have, normally, simply because he wanted Mark to be free of Jaemin’s clutches. He did it for Mark and the prisoner hates himself for it.

Today, Mark finally has the answer to what he would do if he ever sees Jaemin again. Here he is in flesh and bones right in front of him in the consultation room where Donghyuck typically visits him. Donghyuck has left the room to give them privacy, knowing that this is between them. It has always been about them.

“You’ve gotten skinnier,” Jaemin comments, breaking the silence as his eyes rake over the prisoner’s form. Jaemin, like always, looks good. His hair is styled up today and he is wearing a casual pair of black pants with a black long-sleeved shirt to go with it.

Mark shifts uncomfortably under Jaemin’s scrutiny. He does not say anything to that, not in the mood for small talk. Currently, he is seated in his usual seat while Jaemin is sitting down on the black chair that Donghyuck always uses when he comes to visit Mark.

“What do you want?” Mark asks, getting straight to the point.

Jaemin tilts his head to the side questioningly. “You were the one who requested for me to visit you in prison, Mark,” he reminds.

The prisoner rolls his eyes at that and scoffs. “Cut the crap, Jaemin,” he snaps as his patience is wearing thin. His first love merely raises an eyebrow at that. “I spent the past four years thinking, you know. I think about Yukhei, I think about you and I analyse everything that happened and I think I’ve had a lot of things figured out.”

Jaemin leans forward, interested to know more. His eyes glint with fascination. “What did you figure out?” he asks, amused.

“You,” Mark responds without hesitation.

Surprise flickers on Jaemin’s face as soon as the word leaves Mark’s mouth and the prisoner takes it as a sign that their conversation is under his control.

“Are you that obsessed with me?” Jaemin teases as he leans against the chair.

Mark arches an eyebrow in disbelief. He snorts. “You and I both know that _you’re_ the one who’s obsessed with me.” Jaemin does not say anything. He chooses to stare at Mark in silence, pressuring Mark into talking.

“High school days,” Mark utters. “Whenever someone confessed to me, they always avoided me the next day as if I had the plague. You had something to do with that, didn’t you?”

His first love smiles. Mark recognises that smile. This is Jaemin’s true self when he smiles like that. He is psychotic, crazy, obsessive and possessive. His mind is fucked up in so many different ways. Mark wonders how he did not realise this earlier. However, Jaemin still does not say anything.

“That night,” Mark continues, “when you showed up at my door with a gunshot wound, there was actually no one after you. You shot yourself and made it seem like you needed help because you knew I wasn’t going to open the door otherwise. Am I right?”

Jaemin still does not say anything but he keeps the smile etched on his lips. Mark wonders what the younger version of himself saw in his first love. His faux charms? His good looks? Damn. He must be blinded before because now, he sees it as clear as the day. He finally sees Jaemin for who he is.

“Do I need to go on?” Mark snaps, infuriated by the fact that the younger male is not responding. “Killing Yukhei had always been your plan. You wanted him out of the picture so you resorted to desperate measures. I don’t know how you did it but the Russian Roulette game was rigged, wasn’t it?”

“Ah, your first mistake,” Jaemin pipes up, at last. He sits up straight and looks directly at Mark. “Really, Mark, where should I start? I’ve done a lot of things for you, you know that? Yet, you’re simply an ungrateful brat. I can’t fucking believe you chose _Yukhei_ over me.”

Mark feels his blood run cold at the statements that Jaemin utters. It is then, he realises that, perhaps, all this time, he does not know Jaemin at all. Jaemin wears a lot of masks and it is hard to distinguish which one is the real him.

“Let’s start with the most recent stunt you pulled, then,” Mark suggests as he folds his arms over his chest, wanting to give reassurance to himself. Jaemin smiles challengingly in response. “You bumped into Donghyuck on purpose and planted doubts in his mind about my incarceration so he would frequently visit me and attempt to solve the case. What I don’t get is _why_.”

Jaemin lets out a chuckle. Mark despises how amused his first love is by this whole situation. He does not think that there is anything entertaining about it but it seems like Jaemin thinks otherwise.

“I want you out of here,” Jaemin tells him as sincerely as he could.

“Why?”

“So, you can finally be with me,” his first love answers, as if it is obvious.

Mark is stunned into silence at that. He stares at Jaemin, unable to believe his ears. “What the fuck,” he mutters to himself.

The younger male lets out a soft sigh in exaggerated patience, as if Mark is a small child with difficulty to understand something simple. “I’m in love with you, Mark,” he states. “Always have been.”

“Then, why did you hurt me?” Mark questions as he feels the control slipping out of his hands, not expecting the direction this conversation is heading.

For a few moments, Jaemin does not say anything. He seems to be forming the right words to say inside his head and Mark wishes that his first love would stop being so calculative. For once, he wants Jaemin to say what he means from the bottom of his heart with the intention of being honest and transparent instead of having a hidden intention behind it.

“Say what you mean,” he snaps. “Stop with your lies and manipulative words, Jaemin. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of playing your game.”

“Alright,” Jaemin relents, dropping his pleasant mask. “You want the truth? You want to know the truth right from the beginning?”

Mark nods wordlessly.

“I didn’t expect to fall in love with you,” his first love reveals. It is not something unexpected. Mark has always known this right from the start. “I only wanted to toy with your feelings like what I did to Donghyuck and Jeno.”

“Donghyuck?”

Jaemin laughs. “Yes, Donghyuck,” he affirms. “No one knows about it. Before Jeno, I had a thing with Donghyuck secretly. We sneaked around a lot and it was really fun. Until it got boring so I dumped him and pursued Jeno instead.”

Mark reels back as he tries to process the information. “That was why Donghyuck gave you my address,” he whispered hoarsely as the puzzles fit. “You’ve been manipulating us all right from the start.”

His first love shrugs carelessly, indicating that it does not evoke any form of sympathy inside of him. “It’s great to see how much power you have over someone,” he says as his eyes twinkle with some sort of sick fascination. “I love it because it makes me feel powerful to know that I’m able to make people do my bidding without forcing them. It takes time to know the right words to say to different kind of people but, eventually, I’ve mastered it.”

“Why me?” Mark asks. “Why did you fall in love with _me_ , of all people?”

Jaemin gives him a small smile, a genuine one. “Because you understand me,” he answers. “For the first time in my whole life, I’ve found someone who gets me, who comprehends my fucked-up nature. You and I have a lot in common, Mark.”

It is now Mark’s turn to hit his first love with the psychological silence. He wants Jaemin to continue spilling everything. He deserves to know the truth after all the years he spent being under Jaemin’s influence, getting bent to his will.

“I’ve never fallen in love with anyone except for you,” Jaemin tells him. “That’s why I can’t let you go. I’d do anything for you, honestly. It’s a crazy feeling and it’s very much unfamiliar but I love it. I feel alive when I’m with you. You’re special, Mark, and it drives me crazy when other people get a taste of you because you’re mine and only mine.”

“So, you threatened everyone who confessed to me,” Mark concludes.

“Yeah,” Jaemin affirms. “Do you remember that swimmer, Mina? After she confessed, I sought her out in the school pool and held her head underwater as she struggled. I told her that, next time, I would make sure she drowned if she didn’t stay away from you.”

Mark’s face pales as soon as he hears that. All this time, he thought that something had happened during Jaemin’s time in the drug operation that triggered his violence tendencies. Unfortunately, it has come to light today that his first love has always been like this. Hell, he does not know why he did not see this before. The red flags are all there; Jaemin has always had a thing for gore movies, the aggressive way he acted when they fought in the cafeteria and all the obvious signs.

“Of course, there are a lot of similar stories, but I think you get the gist of it,” Jaemin dismisses the subject easily.

“Why did you leave me, then?”

“I wasn’t lying when I said that I was offered a deal to take down a huge drug operation. It took a couple of years but we succeeded. The drug lord and his minions are all in prisons. Separate ones, of course, in order to avoid trouble,” Jaemin explains.

“But you were never in immediate danger,” Mark states.

His first love chuckles. “This is why I fell in love with you, Mark,” he tells the prisoner casually. “You always get me in a way that no one else does. You understand me.”

Mark scowls at that. He curses himself for being fascinated with Jaemin all those years ago. Falling in love with someone psychotic is bound to have undesirable results. Look at where he ends up. Look at what happened to Yukhei, a mere collateral damage.

“The drug operation was about to come to an end, four years ago. So, I formulated a plan to make you come back to me,” Jaemin says, his eyes never once leaving Mark’s face. “I didn’t expect Yukhei to be in the way. I was certain that you would ditch Yukhei for me when you started cheating on him with me. I didn’t expect that you would choose Yukhei instead.”

The prisoner stares at Jaemin for a moment before bursting into peals of laughter. Mark continues to laugh for a couple of minutes, feeling ludicrous at the incredulity of this all. Finally, he calms down and clears his throat. He looks at his first love in disdain. “That’s the thing about being you, isn’t it?” he asks rhetorically. “You don’t know what it’s like to be normal.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Normal people move on with their lives, Jaemin,” Mark quips as he raises his voice. “Normal people don’t linger in the past. They fucking move on when someone leaves them because it is what it is. They eventually accept what happened and stop trying to figure out why. It takes a while but, eventually, _they fucking move on_.”

“But you’re not exactly one of those normal people, are you?”

Mark snorts. “If I were, I wouldn’t have cheated on Yukhei, would I? I wouldn’t have hurt you intentionally just to get back at you for all the pain I suffered.” He unfolds his arms and lay them by his sides. “I wouldn’t have found pleasure in hurting you and Yukhei.”

Jaemin’s face darkens as soon as he hears that. He runs his fingers through his hair in slight frustration, messing up his styled hair in the process. “For all your big talk about me being fucked up, what I want has always been crystal clear. It’s you,” he says tightly. “You, on the other hand, have never been direct about what you want. Hell, sometimes, I wonder if you even know.”

The prisoner does not say anything, knowing that what Jaemin says is the absolute truth. He leans forward and lets his voice drop an octave as he says, “I want you to suffer.” Surprise flashes in Jaemin’s eyes. “For all the pain you caused me, I want you to pay for it. For killing Yukhei, I want you to hurt in ways you’ve never been hurt before.”

“I didn’t kill Yukhei, though,” Jaemin replies mockingly. “He pulled the trigger himself, remember?”

“You rigged it somehow,” Mark snaps as his jaw clenches.

Jaemin grins manically, the same grin he had that night when Yukhei died. Mark clenches his fists, trying his best to refrain himself from throwing a punch. “I’ve learnt a lot of tricks over the time I spent to bring down the drug operation,” he shrugs. “I feel bad for Yukhei, though. He seemed like a nice person. Too bad he got caught in the crossfire of the war between us.”

“Why did you do it?” Mark demands as he feels his own eyes brim with tears. He blinks them back, refusing to let his first love see him cry. “Why did you kill Yukhei?”

“To punish you,” Jaemin replies simply. There it is. Honesty. No more cryptic messages for him to figure out, no more mystery to solve, no more unanswered questions for him to ponder over. “For choosing him over me, I killed him so you could finally be with me without anyone standing between us. I could finally have you to myself.”

Unbelievable. Really fucking unbelievable.

Mark feels his whole body shake with fury. He detests how Jaemin acts like he is a part of the latter’s property, as if he is something to own. Years and years of manipulation. God, how many years has he spent under Jaemin’s influence?

“That was why you hurt me,” he whispered, closing his eyes. This time, he is unable to prevent the tears from falling. “That was why you told me that I was the one who killed him just to punish me for loving someone else other than you. You messed with my head to assert your control over me.”

“You have to understand that I’m doing this because I love you,” Jaemin replies softly. “I truly love you and I want you to be happy. I know I could give you the happiness that you need. I can make you feel alive. I can make you feel like life is worth living. I could show you the world and we can be happy together, just you and me. No one else.”

“That’s the thing, Jaem,” Mark responds as he opens his eyes. The tears will not stop coming but he does not bother to wipe them away. “Yukhei already gave me the happiness that I needed. He already made me feel alive before you even came back into my life. He showed me that life was worth living. I was happy with him. Happy and content. Before you took that away simply because your pride couldn’t accept that I chose someone else over you.”

With that, Mark stands up from the black chair. He hopes that this is the last time he would ever sit there.

He knows now what he has to do.

The thing about living under someone’s thumb for so long is that when you finally get out of the vicious cycle, you see how stupid you are. You think to yourself: how do I not see this before? Why do I do this to myself? Do I really have a low amount of self-worth that I would let someone else fuck me over like I mean nothing at all?

Mark sees everything now. He sees Jaemin for who he truly is. Donghyuck has always been right all along. Jaemin may claim that he is in love with him but the truth is, his first love has always been using him to make him feel alive. Whenever his best friend berates him for still being in love with his first love, the person that he is berating is actually himself and not Mark.

The prisoner has long stopped being in love with him. For everything that Jaemin has done, he deserves no ounce of love from him. He deserves to rot in hell and Mark wishes him hell. He can hear Father Moon’s voice in his head droning on and on about forgiveness. He scoffs to himself. As if he could ever forgive himself or Jaemin for what they had done to Yukhei.

Yukhei was an innocent party who did not know what he signed up for when he started dating Mark. He was a piece of normal that Mark truly appreciated but he should have realised that someone as fucked up as him did not deserve someone as sweet as Yukhei. Mark hopes that Yukhei is happy wherever he is. He deserves a better life with a better partner. As much as Mark loves him, he knows that he is not the best for Yukhei.

Mark does not know what time it is but he hears the guards doing rounds. Johnny is fast asleep on his top bunk, unaware of what Mark has planned to do. He counts seconds inside his head as he waits for the guards to finish their rounds for tonight. After what seems like hours, silence fills the air.

The prisoner sits up on his bed slowly, not wanting to wake Johnny up. He grabs hold of the pile of tissues that he has hidden under his pillow. Then, he removes some of the tissues to reveal the painkillers he has collected over the past few months, after Jaemin’s visit.

The guards have told him that Donghyuck’s request to reopen the case has been accepted by the judge but Mark could not care less. He does not regret going to prison. That is his atonement for all the things that he had done to Yukhei. Whatever Donghyuck finds when he reopens the case would be pointless. Nothing would change. Yukhei would still remain dead. Sure, it would clear Mark’s name but what good would that do? When they realise that Yukhei was the one who pulled the trigger himself, they could not pin it on anyone, as long as the fact that Jaemin had forced them to play Russian Roulette remains buried.

Mark honestly does not care about letting the truth of what happened that night come to light. Even if the authorities manage to pin the blame on Jaemin, he knows that Jaemin would not be affected by it. He has a rich father to back him up, after all. Perhaps, he would plead insanity.

Legal action will not hurt Jaemin in any way so Mark has decided to take matters into his own hands. He knows what would hurt Jaemin the most and he would do it.

He closes his eyes for a few moments and thinks of Yukhei. He wishes that he could say that he remembers everything about the Chinese male but he knows that it would be a lie. Years have worn him out but he still holds on to their fond memories. He misses Yukhei a lot.

Just like how Yukhei took the risk for him, what Mark is about to do is for Yukhei.

Then, he thinks of Jaemin. It is sad, really, to know that Mark has spent most of his life being controlled by Jaemin, whether he realises it or not, but he is glad that he has finally opened his eyes. He sees it now and he wonders what beauty he saw in Jaemin in the first place. Perhaps, the time he spent with Yukhei had taught him what normal felt like so he could not relate to his first love anymore.

Mark lets out a sigh. There are a lot of people that he wants to think of but he refuses to do so. If he does, it would change his mind and he does not want anything to deter him from his decision.

 _This is_ your _punishment, Jaemin_ , he thinks to himself.

Then, he downs all the pills he has collected in one go.

**Author's Note:**

> there are a lot of back stories in this story that's left to the readers' imagination. maybe, I might write a spin-off someday. as for now, this is the only self-indulgence piece I've ever written that has, like, 30k+ words. hope you enjoyed!


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